Monday, March 17, 2008
Cooking up a storm
FOOD! Great British Menu, BBC Two, 6.30pm Labels: BBC Two, BBC2, Channel 4, food, Great British Menu, Hollyoaks, TV
Well, about bloody time. After all that schedule mucking about with Come Dine With Me and Masterchef, cookery finally returns to its rightful home of 6.30pm, with series three of Great British Menu. Whilst this series will never top the highlight of being a competition to prepare a feast for the Queen (and later being pwned by Her Maj on Monarchy: The Royal Family at Work), it is usually entertaining nonetheless.
The saga of Jake's descent continues tonight (remember when he was merely a loveable mother killer?) after Friday's suicide/child murder attempt. Is he dead, or like all bad horror movie villains, will he live to see another day? The horror movie angle Hollyoaks has adopted with this story has actually been quite effective, with several jumps and jolts along the way. What it has utterly failed to do, however, is treat mental illness or bereavement with any sympathy whatsoever. But this IS Hollyoaks so we don't know why we'd expect anything different.
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Sunday, March 02, 2008
Daydream believers
CHEERFUL! Hollyoaks Omnibus, Channel 4, 10.00am
CHOONFUL! Hollyoaks Special: Summer's Got a Secret, Channel 4, 2.05pm
So, Hollyoaks finally said goodbye to Summer and OB this week, and just in case you missed the episodes, we heartily commend this omnibus to you as something rather delightful. Don't believe us? Check out these user opinions:
'Today's episode was the most amazing, feel good TV ever. OB got the kind of ending that poor old Mandy deserved. It's not often a soap, especially such a shit one, makes me happy in such a simple way.' - Xenomaniac
'It was still very touching and I may have cried a bit. I also quite liked the manly hugging at the end.' - Sparkle
'Max and OB's Big Goodbye is LOVE.' - Joel
'Awww, that was proper lovely. Such a fitting sendoff for OB. Even the Birdseye Botherer managed not to be annoying'. - Steven
What we are saying is that you will regret it if you don't watch it NOW (or on channel 4+1 at 11.00, seeing as we are writing this rather late in the day). Thursday and Friday's episodes are less good (warning: Valentines! Boob theft anger! Rubbish Tranny! Silly drugz Plot! Jake and Nancy! Swimbint being self-righteous!) but they contain glimmers of the immense Barnesey/Plankton/Micksy love triangle so are not all bad.
And Channel 4 are spoiling us this afternoon with Summer's Got a Secret which follows LC fave Summer Strallen as she moves from the soap to star in The Sound of Music. Best of all, it doesn't even clash with Come Dine With Me today, as that is on later than usual (4.00pm, More4). The publicity shots even promise added Auntie Bonnie Langford! Result!
CHOC-FULL!Willie's Wonky Chocolate Factory, Channel 4, 9.00pm
Now, this is a curious one. Willie's Wonky Chocolate Factory follows entrepreneur (isn't everyone one of those these days?) Willie Harcourt-Cooze, who wants to launch his own chocolate business. Only this business isn't just any old chocolate business - he wants to own the first company since Cadbury's to grow its own chocolate as well as to manufacture and promote it.
Naturally, we are expecting thrills and spills along the way in a Trouble at the Top kind of way, and the title was too good a pun for Channel 4 to miss. We are expecting characters, challenges and all the usual stuff you get in these kind of one-off docs.
But wait a cocoa-bean-picking-minute! This isn't a one-off doc, it's a four-parter. That must mean the footage was so entertaining they couldn't contain it within just one hour. Whether it will stretch to four hours' worth of material remains to be seen, but we reckon it'll be worth giving a whirl anyway.
Labels: Channel 4, Hollyoaks, TV, Willie's Wonky Chocolate Factory
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Thursday, February 21, 2008
Well she came and she gave without taking
Labels: films, Hollyoaks, Mandy Richardson
Time was when a former Hollyoaks actor could dream of nothing more than the occasional appearance on Fear Factor or Loose Women when they left the soap. Eventually the bar was raised ever so slightly to the point where they might hope for a role in Bad Girls or Where The Heart Is. Aspiring to blockbuster movies, however, was entirely out of the question.
So when it was confirmed last year that Sarah Jayne Dunn, alumnus and lifelong patron of the Mandy Richardson University of Chester, had won a role in upcoming Batman flick The Dark Knight, we assumed it would be somewhere along the lines of "Girl in Crowd #4". However, if internet rumours are to be believed (and let's face it, when are they not?), her part could turn out to be far more sizeable than that.
The news has already been carelessly paraded around most corners of the internet, but since we're responsible types and this sort of casting news could be considered a spoiler, we won't print it here where it might be the cause of burning in sensitive eyes. However, if you are entirely unfazed by such a prospect, click here for the Chester-tastic revelation. We're very excited not just by this apparent revelation, but also by the prospects for other stars of Chester, as long as this doesn't mean Paul Danan is next in line to play Spiderman or anything silly like that.
With thanks to username for posting this on the boards.
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Friday, February 15, 2008
Summer days, drifting away
FOND FAREWELLS! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm
Every now and then, a good actor, playing a likeable character, turns up in Hollyoaks. Sadly, they don't always hang around for long. Tonight, we see the departure of Summer Shaw, played by Summer Strallen, as she goes to star as Maria in The Sound of Music. That's the character AND the actress, you know.
We have loved every moment of Summer's brief time in Hollyoaks. Her entrance when she established herself as being far too fabulous for HCC (and boy was she right) and befriended JP (briefly) was great. She floundered slightly with all that Rubbish Tranny flirting, but she soon spectacularly turned that round with a great bout of Rubbish Tranny pwning instead. We loved her never stooping to a low when Steph got insecure and bitchy. We loved her relationship with OB, and we loved the fact that she was planted in the soap by Andrew Lloyd Webber to up her profile before taking over from Connie Fisher in the West End.
So, whilst we are really pleased that she's going on to great things, we are very sad that she will be leaving Chester and making it just that bit more rubbish. Will OB stick to his guns and go with her, though?
In other plot news, the Jake/Nancy saga will hopefully reach a climax (perhaps a poor choice of word) after last night's nastiness, and the intriguing Elliot/Swimbint relationship continues to develop. We'd love it if, instead of the soap cliche of the geek being turned into a hunk, Elliot turns Sarah into a geek. It would at least stop her wearing hotpants in the middle of winter.
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Friday, January 25, 2008
Yeah, you can come, but don't bring your sister
Al writes: I officially heart lowculture. A place where Lolcat speak is acceptable; a place where I can enjoy reading other people's critiques of Hollyoaks, despite having not watched an episode in years; a place where you can question whether Sean from Same Difference is fit without fear of retribution; a place where Charlie Brooker is king. Labels: Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe, Hollyoaks, LOLcat, Same Difference
Al, don't worry, he's definitely fit. You can ALWAYS trust lowculture about this sort of thing.
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Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Baby baby, be mine
PATERNITY! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6:30pm
Now, we have noticed that, of late, Hollyoaks has been even more rubbish than usual, with its dreadful plots about drugz and surrogacy. However, even if you have given up on it recently, you must tune in to tonight's epiosde, as it's a corker.
Firstly, we see the possibility of JP getting some new boy action with someone that isn't the wretched, whiny, self-obsessed Craig. We approve. Secondly, we see some development in the Carmel police plot, which we actually like, despite it sounding like the maddest thing ever on paper.
(There is also some nonsense with Nancy-Boy (Newt) and My Bloody Valentine / Goth 'n' Spell (Lauren) giving the Birdseye Botherer (Tom) an emo makeover, but let's skip that).
But the best thing ever is that, finally, after over a year of it being dragged out, the show remembers that there is a dispute over Charlie's paternity. Things arise when Charlie is taken to hospital with leukaemia. Jake(ass) has been such a nasty piece of work for ages that we hope it turn out the baby is Justin's. We also hope it splits Nancy and Jake up and she can remember that she used to be fierce, a long, long time ago.
As they are finally looking like they might resolve this one, can we suggest they continue this theme by getting the McQueens to remember Carmel's boob theft?
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Friday, January 11, 2008
Something's come along and it's burst our bubble
SERIAL DRAMA! The soaps, usual channels, usual times
It's been a while since we previewed most of the soaps, and by now they should all be in the throes of post-Christmas-near-apocalypse fallout so as there is nothing particularly exciting on tonight that we haven't already previewed recently, we thought we'd give you a little run down on where things are at with each of them.
In Doctors, the soap that isn't quite a soap, there is some tedious ongoing business, including some more on the *so wrong* affair between George and Nick, and a slightly more interesting patient storyline involving a woman stabbing her husband in the leg because she gets frustrated with a TV shopping channel. Now, that's more like it.
After its long winter break Neighbours is back, and we missed it so much that we have forgiven the fact that it hasn't been very good of late. Sadly, today's episode doesn't feature much in the way of Valda, or Frazer, or Harold, or Lou, or Susan (though next week Susan's illness - and yes, we know what it is, and we are also not telling - comes more to the forefront). It does feature the Barnes/Napiers, and the tedious plot involving Gus Cleary's made-up sister. But it's still more entertaining than life without it.
Home and Away sees the sexual tension between Jonah and Martha reach a climax (ahem) and also features a death. We won't tell you who. Meanwhile, in Hollyoaks, Micksy is still flirting with the absurdly young priest. We think she will be out of luck. Elliot and JP try more Rubbish Tranny pwning, which is always a good thing. And even Swimbint gets in on the Tranny pwning action today. We like that the writers have turned on him recently and realised how obnoxious he really is. The Barnes family are trying to come to terms with the fact that Bintmother Kathy poos in tupperware to taunt the neighbours, and in a move that will divide the opinions of the board, and of all Hollyoaks viewers, a new relationship is consummated...
Of the big three, in Emmerdale the Nicola/David storyline trudges on, whilst Val has health worries... Coronation Street is building up to the big events of next week, when one of the show's longest-serving characters bows out. Tonight, however, we see Kevin go to trial, Ryan go missing, and David potentially get some girl action. Surely that one can't end at all well? As for EastEnders, Darren's inexplicable rise into rubbishy EastEnders wide-boy type continues, and Ian's pushy parenting of Peter escalates. Take your bets on the outcome of this story, people. Will it be drugs? An eating disorder? Running away? A suicide attempt? Or emulating big brother Steven and creating awesome forms of Ian-torturing revenge?
Labels: Coronation Street, doctors, EastEnders, Emmerdale, Hollyoaks, Home and Away, neighbours, Soap operas
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Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Hannahlujah
EATING! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm
A few lowculture-ites had the honour last week of attending a screening and panel discussion of Hollyoaks at the BFI. It was certainly an interesting evening, because we got to enjoy the somewhat surreal experience of watching an episode on a massive cinema screen, and we were reminded, just in case we were in any danger of forgetting, that the show is on at 6.30pm. But the overall lesson we were given to take away was that Hollyoaks was emerging from the wilderness to become a contender, with proper storylines and proper actors and even the odd award or two. And apparently key to this is building up characters that the viewers will love.
One such character has recently returned from an extended absence - Hannah Ashworth (played by the lovely Emma Rigby, who was also present at the panel and who couldn't have been more charming), having been in hospital recovering from the debilitating eating disorder bulimorexia, is now back in the family home, despite having been temporarily deposed by a robot claiming to be Rhys's half-sister. Unfortunately, in the grand tradition of Hollyoaks, they've decided that her rehabilitation can only be achieved by pairing her with a rubbish character, namely Danny Valentine. This show seems obsessed with such unbalanced couplings (see also: John Paul/Katy, Summer/Rubbish Tranny, Jacqui/Tony...), and we're never quite sure why.
But even if she comes with the moonface man in tow, we're at least glad to have Hannah back, because other characters that we like are thin on the ground at the moment. Tonight's episode sees some spectacularly repellent behaviour from Swimbint (accusing Beth of being "full of herself", shortly before phoning the kettle to point out those unsightly burn marks), Nancy (impressive total absence of tact when dealing with friend who's just come out of hospital, making bitchy comments about John Paul yet again), Jake (sudden onset of dementia making him think he was supportive to Craig when it was revealed that Craig was having an affair with John Paul) and Rubbish Tranny.
Rubbish Tranny, in particular, has been spectacularly vile over the past few weeks - being Chester's answer to Lily Allen in his indefatigable belief that he has every right to make snide comments about whomever he chooses, but acting wounded and hounded the second anyone turns it around on him. It speaks volumes that in his battle of witlessness with his nasty, bigoted brother, we're firmly on the side of the latter and long for the day that the poorly-dressed cretin is found battered and in pieces in a cement mixer. Actually, if the war could just end with both of the stupid gits killing each other, we could all get on with our lives and that would be brilliant. Some hopes. This show is on at 6.30, after all.
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Monday, September 10, 2007
Between a cock and a hard place
CAUGHT! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm Labels: Channel 4, Hollyoaks, soap gaiety, soap weddings, TV
It's not that often that we get to use our "soap gaiety" and "soap weddings" tags in the same post, and to be honest we're rather stretching things to use them both here, but what the hell: it's gay-related, and it's nuptial-related. You can't say fairer than that. The reason for all this excitement is that the moment has finally come. Yep, Sarah (aka Swimbint) is about to catch Craig and John Paul together in the fair act of vest-clad buttsecks. We suspect we speak for many when we say: about fucking time too, you daft cow.
Craig, of course, is largely responsible for this situation, as he's been playing his boyfriend and his girlfriend off against each other ever since he rather improbably became a Libidinous Bisexual Puppetmaster (TM Joel on the messageboards) and, despite John Paul imploring him to make a fucking decision one way or the other, Craig seems reluctant. And indeed, when he's getting away with it, why should he care?
But in true soap fashion, it's all about to go horribly wrong - Frankie Dean, Occasional Plot-Mandated Homophobe, catches wind of Craig's engagement to Swimbint (itself a kneejerk reaction to a moment of homosexual panic) and throws them an engagement party at the Dog. An oblivious John Paul wanders into the whole thing and is a little thrown, and decides that enough is enough, and in a moment of supreme manipulation (the gays are always so good at that), deliberately sets Craig up to get caught out. Which, according to our flatmate who watched this on E4 on Friday, is the cue for some face-acting of the very highest quality. Shit, meet fan.
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Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Model behaviour
DEATH! Hollyoaks, E4, 7.00pm
Normally we wait for Hollyoaks to get its Channel 4 airing before we write about it, but we're breaking the rules today for two reasons (the first being that there's quite a lot of other stuff on tomorrow that we want to write about, and the second being that the Channel 4/Lime TV press department has been all ZOMG SOMEONE DIES!!1! for over a month now, so it's hardly a spoiler any more, is it?). Finally, the moment of truth is here: eating disorder-related death time.
Since the C4/Lime press people rather cunningly decided not to reveal the soon-to-be-deceased character's identity at the same time, there was much heated debate on the boards about whether the skinny corpse would belong to Hannah or tertiary-but-pleasingly-irreverent-and-therefore-oddly-likeable model friend Melissa. We might possibly have threatened to cut a bitch if it turned out to be Hannah, given that she's usually one of our favourite characters, and that Emma Rigby is an asset this show can't afford to lose until its talented:hopeless actor balance swings considerably more in favour of the former. But we needn't have worried: after Melissa's tragic collapse in an alleyway last week, it should surprise few people that she'll be the one embracing Death's icy touch tonight.
We'd like to offer our congratulations to the make-up department, who did a fairly impressive job of making Melissa look absolutely dreadful in her penultimate episode (an interesting contrast to Hannah's unpleasant but conspiciously symmetrical localised breakouts of acne). In an odd way we shall mourn her, because her constant dismissal of all the residents of Hollyoaks Village (and let's be fair, most of them deserved it) became rather endearing, but she is the lesson that poor Hannah must learn if she is to overcome her current debilitating case of bulimorexia. It's certainly going to be far more use than Ashworth Dad trying to snap her out of it with "a plate of spag bol", anyway. Adieu, Melissa. Your time with us was brief, but you managed to fit in an impressive amount of rudeness. You'll be missed.
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Friday, August 10, 2007
Could it be tragic?
SADNESS! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm
Ever since it was asserted on the messageboards that Mandy Richardson is the most tragic character in Hollyoaks history, it seems as though everyone else has been trying to sneak that accolade away for themselves. We'd assumed that her natural successor was poor sweet Hannah Ashworth, with her impressive skill at coping through tragedy with fabulous hair and a selection of lovely coats (more on this later), but even Mandy's former battered husband Tony is trying to get in on the act.
Arguably the most tragic thing about Tony is the fact that he's the only remaining member of the original cast, but perhaps his true misfortune lies in his attempts to start a family. Of course his first child, Grace, was inexorably tied up with Tragic Mandy when the kid became a victim of cot death, a tragic situation (we're basically being paid by the "tragic" for this writeup, fyi) from which their marriage never truly recovered. Interestingly, Tony received a letter from Mandy this week informing him that she'd just had a child with her new partner, but having now unexpectedly impregnated new ladyfriend Jacqui McQueen (who, incidentally, could do so much better), there's more tragic news in store for the couple tonight. Let's just say that we shouldn't be sending them any Mothercare vouchers right now.
Elsewhere, poor doomed Hannah is still in the throes of the debilitating eating disorder hannahrexia (that's the one where you inexplicably veer between anorexia and bulimia on a day-to-day basis) thanks to the bad influence of her almost zombified friend Melissa. Gilly, taking some time off from his day job as Cousin Itt's stunt double, has been trying to figure out what's going on (he should've taken some lessons from Russ Owen's mum, really) without much subtlety, forcing Hannah to issue him with an ultimatum. And, in a hilarious piece of meta, that ultimatum takes the form of Hannah saying she'll cry rape if he doesn't leave her alone. Be sure to distinguish between good rape and bad rape, Hannah. We all learnt the difference last year, remember?
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Thursday, July 12, 2007
(It's a nice day for a) shite wedding
CARNAGE! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm Labels: Channel 4, Hollyoaks, Soap, soap weddings, TV
It's a well-known fact that soap weddings never run smoothly, so why on earth would anyone want to have a double wedding? Surely that's just asking for twice the amount of trouble? Especially when both brides are members of the McQueen family, and hence are on such friendly terms with the word "trouble" that it pops around for tea twice a week. The more sensible among you might want to build some kind of fallout shelter and stay huddled in there until we give you the all-clear.
When we left things on Wednesday, it was looking a bit ropey for both brides. Mercedes ("affectionately" nicknamed Skoda on the messageboards, for what we hope are obvious reasons) had just enjoyed her hen-night, but monosyllabic (and alleged intellectual, but let's be realistic here) fiancé Russ had developed cold feet, it having only just occured to him that his bride-to-be is in fact a strident, selfish, screeching, clap-ridden* ho bag. The fact that everyone else realised this within minutes of meeting her just goes to prove that Russ is far from the sharpest tool in the shed. We're not even sure he knows where the shed is.
Speaking of mental dexterity, Tina wears glasses and enjoys books, therefore is clearly supposed to be The Brainy One in the McQueen family. Despite this, she's proved herself to be a moron of colossal proportions by jumping to a series of incorrect conclusions regarding her boring fiancé Dominic and his brother's ex-wife, Tragic Mandy. Tina is now worried that she doesn't know Dom at all, which is pretty much the risk you run when you emotionally blackmail someone into proposing to you when you've only been dating for six months, just because your sisters are all getting married and you feel left out. Having seen him in a compromising position with a not-quite-stripper on his stag night (heavens!), Tina has now decided he's impure and not worthy of her. Tina's quest for a man in Hollyoaks who is more virginal than Dominic will surely be documented in another late-night spinoff, one that will presumably run forever because she's on a hiding to nothing with that one.
So with both couples currently torn asunder, can they get to the altar on time? And even if they do, will they get through the ceremony without someone bursting in and delivering a few home truths? Don't bet on it.
*We presume she hasn't actually got the clap, since it would surely have been the subject of a Very Special Storyline complete with Channel 4 action line at the end of the programme, but given her general tendency towards wanton behaviour this state of affairs is clearly the result of luck rather than judgement.
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Friday, June 22, 2007
Clare in the community
TUMBLE! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm
We were somewhat dismayed the other day to discover a group on Facebook which claims that Clare Cunningham is long overdue a good killing-off. Frankly, we couldn't disagree more - Wednesday's episode was proof, if proof were needed, that the show needs her now more than ever. If we can cast our minds back into the annals of soap history, long before any teenage boys of Chester decided they might be quite keen on a bit of bumfun after all, the one great thing about Hollyoaks was the systematic bullying campaign that Clare was waging against Tom - and the sudden resurrection of that storyline this week brought joy into our cold, stony hearts. It's a trick that EastEnders was quick to pick up on - there are few things more satisfying (on television, in fiction, for God's sake don't bloody e-mail us) than a grown woman terrorising a defenceless child. Especially when the child is as annoying as Tom is. Clare for the win!
Anyway, in a week of shit storylines involving the Robot Katy, her thug brother and her fat boyfriend and OH MY GOD NO ONE FUCKING CARES, the one shining light has been the uncovering of Clare's various nefarious plots, including the secret abortion of Louise's either violent or boring foetus, convincing Tom that he's cursed and will eventually lead to Max's death, thus sending him off to live with Brookside's Rachel Jordache, and shopping Warren to the rozzers, thereby bringing her back to her rightful position as Public Enemy No.1. She's also done a fair bit of portentously hanging around on the balcony of the Loft, which is soap shorthand for SOMEONE WILL PUSH HER OFF THIS HAZARDOUS STRUCTURE SOON. Like tonight, basically.
As with all great soap whodunnits there's a shortlist of clear suspects: Louise, Calvin, Warren, Max and OB. They've all got plenty of motive, but which one of them has the balls? Frankly we're not too fussed as long as Claire makes a full and speedy recovery. Chester Village needs her around for as long as possible, particularly to ensure the continued torment of the annoying brats of tomorrow.
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Thursday, June 14, 2007
Selection box
Frankly we're still in a state of shock over the result of The Apprentice last night, and we're considering boycotting all reality shows that don't involve an entirely democratic public vote that only elects the most deserving people to victory, like, um, Steve Brookstein and Michelle McManus. Anyway, we can't quite get up the enthusiasm to rant at length about one programme, so we're going to talk about a few in slightly shorter form, just for a change. Labels: Channel 4, Hollyoaks, ITV1, My Name Is Earl, Soap, The Bill
SOAP! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm
The rape alert is currently at maroon, which means Katy Fox is back in town. We were hoping that she might have been hit by a big red bus while in Television's London and unable to return to Chester to irritate the living shit out of us all with her horrid whiny voice and total inability to act (we've said it before and we'll say it again: when the quality of your acting is so poor that you stick out as a weak link on Hollyoaks, you've really got problems), but no such luck. The good news is that her oh-so-tragic-and-star-crossed love affair with Justin is about to be dealt a blow, because Clare's going to tell Warren all about it and he's going to interrupt their flabby lovemaking to deliver a smackdown. Hooray! We love Clare and her pantomime evil ways. Speaking of star-crossed love, Amy and Josh continue to fight for their tru luv 4 eva, in spite of the crucial facts that (a) he hit her dad on the head with a brick, (b) she's got a child he doesn't know about, and (c) they're both incredibly tedious and no one really gives a shit.
POLICE! The Bill, ITV1, 8.00pm
Simon? Really? Okay, fine, we're going to let it go now. Special mention to The Bill today as former This Life-er Amita Dhiri joins the cast as DC Grace Dasari, a part which was apparently written specially for her, which must be nice. She's thrown in at the deep end nice and quickly to help Mickey on the case of a woman trying to find her son, who's been missing for 11 years. We're assuming they've already checked outside the sweet shop where she left him.
COMEDY! My Name Is Earl, Channel 4, 10.00pm
It's been kicked around the schedules like a redheaded stepchild, but series two finally has a home on Channel 4, albeit not in the usual comedy slot. It's pioneering, though, and we're all in favour of that. Earl's taking the opportunity to revisit his list of things he needs to make right in his life, for reasons that we're not entirely sure of. Possibly just because it's season two, and that's the sort of thing you do at the the beginning of a new season, isn't it? Also of note: this is immediately followed by the film Inside Deep Throat, which sounds like a jolly romp. Have fun!
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Thursday, April 26, 2007
One less blonde to worry about
POISON! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm
We knew that our recent obsession with Hollyoaks and its unexpected aceness couldn't last. It had a good run, but it hasn't been quite the same since JP and Craig fell out and we sort of stopped shipping them a little bit. But don't tell anyone we said that. Apparently every time you abandon an OTP a fairy dies, or something. And since then, we're not saying we still don't make sure we catch every episode, because we do and old habits are very hard to break, but our love for the show is a little more half-hearted right now.
However! In the absence of other storylines worth getting excited about, Will decides to give Zoe an overdose. Hooray! We've had an irrational hatred for Zoe pretty much ever since she arrived - indeed, as time goes on we're starting to convince ourselves that our hatred is not irrational and is in fact entirely justified. It's partially the fact that her character biog clearly involves the word "ladette", and partially because she is the most unbelievably stupid human being in the history of everything ever. We'd list our reasons for coming to that conclusion, but we'd be here all night. Her failing to notice that Will slamming her hand in the taxi door was entirely deliberate was just about the icing on the cake, though. Her IQ must be lower than that of an ovum.
Anyway, she's attempted to put the brakes on things with Will, but she clearly forgot to read Breaking Up with Psychos for Dummies and now he's a little narked. Thanks to the magic webcam that no one's ever found, not even when she should surely have emptied her room of all personal effects in order to MOVE TO NEW YORK FOR A YEAR (sorry, still slightly angry about that one), Will sees Zak putting a drunken Zoe to bed and assumes the worse, so does what any sensible sociopath would do, and tricks her into overdosing on her pain medication, and sets it up to look like a deliberate suicide attempt. We hope he makes it look slightly more convincing than that time he slammed her hand in the door, anyway. But then, why bother to craft the perfect crime when it only has to work on an idiot? We're starting to understand Will a little better now.
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Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Dirty ho, what you havin' that baby fo'?
BABIEZ! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm
We apologise if that headline doesn't quite make sense, but we couldn't resist an opportunity to quote from one of our favourite episodes of Popular. It was always awesome when it had musical numbers in it. Anyway, it is sort of relevant, because after approximately two thousand years of pregnancy, Amy "Pregnant Child" Barnes is finally going to pop her sprog tonight - on the floor of the family kitchen, of all places. Classy!
Speculation has been rife on the boards as to exactly what form the baby might be taking - given the gestation period, if she happens to give birth to anything less than an elephant, then we're calling foul on the whole shebang. Of course, that would still leave the potent question of why she's had absolutely no visible pregnancy bump - especially when Becca had to walk around looking like an Alp for the best part of sixth months. We bet she's plotting some serious vengeance from beyond the grave right now.
Anyway, Pregnant Child can stop feeling so pleased with having hidden the pregnancy from her bemulleted father, her slut of her mother and her swimming bint of a sister, because once the contents of her uterus get spread all over their linoleum, they're probably going to suspect something after all. Good luck explaining that one away, kiddo. Meanwhile, in important gay news, John Paul heads off to a gay bar with his family in tow (in his defence, he specifically plans against this happening and invites boring Russ with him instead for moral support), but gets his evening ruined by that well-known killjoy Skoda, who decides that her little brother is clearly making a pass at her boyfriend, because she is incredibly stupid. She needs to read the messageboards a few times and realise how quickly you attract the ire of every single poster once you upset the marvellous JP. Silly Skoda.
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Tuesday, February 06, 2007
You must remember this...
KISSING! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm Labels: Channel 4, Hollyoaks, soap gaiety, TV
A kiss is still a kiss...except when it takes place in a soap opera, between two teenage boys, both of whom have girlfriends, because then it's not so much a kiss as it is a cataclysmic life-changing event. We make no apologies for our second Big Gay Hollyoaks Post in the space of a fortnight, because this is a matter of national importance. Folks, this is the moment we've all been waiting for: tonight is the night where Craig and John Paul give in to their obvious OTP-ness and kiss. Hooray!
It's not been an easy road to this point, since Craig submitted to the iron will of Swimbint's Magic Vagina (and if that phrase means nothing to you, we suggest you go and read the messageboard, which will make sense of everything - well, sort of) and John Paul buried his quite-gay-really feelings for his best friend and got strongarmed into dating weepy-and-needy-but-essentially- likeable Hannah. But the applecart got notably upset the other week when John Paul chose Hannah's 18th birthday party to admit his true feelings to Craig. He's been covering it up since, but now it's all going to come out again, if you'll pardon the expression.
Because Hollyoaks Comp is apparently stuck in some kind of 1960s timewarp, the Quartet of Unresolved Sexual Tension have been taking part in a dance competition. Playing the perfect boyfriend to Weepy Hannah gets a bit much for John Paul and he ends up flouncing off, only for Craig to follow him with some illicit moonshine that he snuck into the school. They get a bit wasted together, and proving the theory that the difference between a straight man and a bisexual man can be measured in units of alcohol (or possibly because they've heard all the posters on the messageboard yelling "JUST KISS ALREADY!" at the tops of their voices), one thing leads to another and the twosome finally lock lips. But of course, this being a soap opera, who should walk in on them at the pivotal moment but Weepy Hannah. Oh noes, as they say on the internet. We suspect that Hannah may not be immediately swayed by the "Craig/John Paul = OTP 4evah" argument and might just do something silly, like running off to tell Swimbint. We dread to think what the Magic Vagina will to do punish Craig after this.
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Friday, January 26, 2007
Tonight's the night
FINALLY! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm Labels: Channel 4, Hollyoaks, Soap, soap gaiety, TV
It's here at last, folks. After patiently waiting for what seems like about twenty thousand years, John Paul is finally going to tell Craig that he's deeply in gay love with him. And first of all, we're going to give Hollyoaks some props for the way they've handled this storyline thus far - laying the groundwork quietly, dropping the odd hint every now and then, letting the viewers piece it together for themselves before actually starting to let it unravel; it's been an exemplary piece of storylining. Unfortunately, this means we're going to be harsher on them than ever when they resort to stupid contrived storylines that involve mass raping sprees, because now we know they're actually capable of better.
It speaks volumes about the Dean family that Craig is meant to be by far their brainiest member, and yet has somewhat stupidly failed to spot that John Paul has the hots for him, assuming instead that JP's affections lay with either Weepy Hannah or Swimbint Sarah. That little bit of wrong-footing even had us fooled for a second, if only because it's the kind of dumbass thing we'd normally expect Hollyoaks to do when they've got the perfect groundwork laid for a sensible and touching storyline - they'd completely ignore it.
John Paul hasn't exactly made things easy for himself by allowing himself to get strong-armed into dating Hannah, the anime character who cannot function unless she has a man to psychotically fling her arms around. In fact, we suspect you could replace the man with a giant carrot and she wouldn't mind, as long as the carrot told her she was prettier than Swimbint.
Tonight's Anime Hannah's 18th birthday, and to cover up his totally non-heterosexual feelings for his best friend, John Paul's trying to be the perfect boyfriend by arranging a fantastic party for her. Except Swimbint and Skanky Rhys start getting a bit too close for comfort, so Craig storms out of the party in a huff and that's when John Paul finally blurts out what he's been hiding for so long. And presumably the bastards will stick it right at the end of the episode, thus forcing us to switch over to E4 to avoid having to wait all weekend to see the fallout. This may well be the Most Important Event of Soap Gaiety this year, so don't miss it.
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