Friday, March 14, 2008

Gail force

PERIL! Coronation Street, ITV1, 7.30 & 8.30pm

We've come to the conclusion that staircases in soap operas are generally only there for symbolic purposes, since the vast majority of soap houses do not appear to have anything even remotely resembling a functional upstairs floor. Therefore it is deeply, deeply foolish for a soap character to make a point of doing anything on the stairs; it demonstrates utter genre blindness, because it inevitably means they're set to fall down them at any moment. If only they watched as many soaps as we do, they'd be aware of this.

Tonight it's the turn of Gail to take a tumble earthwards, having been rumbled by David for her part in Tina's termination of her demon spawn. Given that David has been a little bit on edge, to put it mildly, ever since discovering that he was almost terminated himself back when he was a foetus, this is exactly the worst thing for the ticking teenage time bomb to find out right now, so Gail gets an unwitting but violent shove for her trouble. This is why you should always have such confrontations on a nice level and soft-carpeted part of the living room.

The news of Gail's fall rather took us by surprise, not particularly because of the accident itself, but in terms of our reaction to it; we found ourselves feeling rather sad, since we're in the extremely odd position of having grown quite fond of Gail lately. David, sadly, does not share our feelings and chooses to panic and run off, leaving his mum for dead. Tsk. It's unlikely she actually is dead, of course, because that's the sort of thing we would all have known about months in advance, but we'll be tuning in tonight to see the dramatic fallout nonetheless.

If anyone's interested, we'll be having a lowculture whip-round later, in the hope of raising enough money to buy Gail a nice bungalow. Please give generously.

Labels: Coronation Street, ITV1, TV

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Monday, January 28, 2008

Taking the "fun" out of "funeral"

SENDOFF! Coronation Street, ITV1, 7.30/8.30pm

We know it's probably felt a bit like Vera overload on here over the week and a half, as a nation has cried and hugged and shared and learned and steadily tried to come to terms with its loss. And we make no apologies for this: we are, after all, dealing with a national treasure here. And if the Daily Express can still put Diana on the cover when she's been dead for over ten years, we think we're perfectly entitled to feature Vera for a few posthumous weeks.

There is, however, one final rite of passage for us all to get past, and that is, of course, the funeral. We can hear someone sniffling at the back already; there's a box of tissues here by the front, come and help yourself. Take some for later, if you like. It's time for the residents of Weatherfield, and in some cases Furtherafield, to gather together and give Our Vera the sendoff she deserves.

The death scene itself reduced countless fully-grown adults to tears, us amongst them, and while we may have got the bulk of our emotion out by now, we daresay there'll still be a few damp eyes as Jack and his close friends send Vera on to her final resting place (which we hope bears a striking resemblance to Blackpool - it feels only right somehow). And of course, this is the cue for prodigal son Terry to emerge from skulking in the shadows. Feel free to boo and hiss. We certainly won't be holding back.

Labels: Coronation Street, ITV1, soap death, TV

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Friday, January 18, 2008

Vera ache

WEATHERFIELD GAZETTE DEATH NOTICES

DUCKWORTH
On 18th January 2008, suddenly at home, Veronica (Vera) Duckworth, aged 69 years, of 9 Coronation St, Weatherfield. Beloved wife of Jack, mother of Terence. Also missed by grandchildren Paul, Tommy and Brad, second cousin once-removed HM The Queen and family, Tyrone and Molly. Also missed by friends and neighbours. Funeral Service to be announced later. No flowers.


WEATHERFIELD GAZETTE CLASSIFIEDS

FOR SALE
Massage chair. One previous owner. Good for aches, pains. Other benefits included. May require a little rewiring depending on what happens tonight. Tel: 0161 715 8436

David


My formative years coincided with Vera's classic tight perm and nylon tabard phase of the 1980s, so inevitably during that time she became something of a second mother to me. Whether deciding on a tasteful façade for the home, dealing with wayward menfolk and their video dating tomfoolery, or overseeing the sale of grandchildren, Vera has been a constant source of inspiration. She even made stitching denim in a borderline-sweatshop seem fun. So in tribute I'll be spending Friday wearing a headscarf, clockwatching and gossiping non-stop. Vera, peace be with you on your journey to the Baldwin's Casuals factory in the sky and enjoy an eternity of nattering with Ivy.

Kellie


Far be it from me to sully the good name of Veronica Duckworth by bringing petty crime into the equation, but my abiding memory of Vera will always be the time when, during a period of severe poverty, she attempted to steal some desperately-needed nappies from Bettabuys by hiding them in the bottom of little Tommy's pram. She was stopped before leaving the store by friend, neighbour and supermarket manager Curly Watts, who promptly found himself in trouble for not waiting until she had left the store and actually stolen the nappies, and instead accosting her at the checkout when all they could do was accuse her of intending to steal. An unpleasant story, perhaps, but I think it speaks volumes about the high esteem in which everyone held Vera, that people would be willing to jeopardise their jobs, their careers even, to protect her from coming to any harm. It's a shame no one could do anything to save her from whatever fate she is set to suffer tonight. May her soul rest in peace.

Steve


The Great Illumination sleeps
The best that Blackpool never had
In Weatherfield, the pigeons weep
For walls of blue and yellow clad

Her spirit lit up every scene
As denim-stitch or publican
As bastard cousin of the Queen
Or keeper of Roy's frying pan

O Vera! Hear the pigeons roar
The kettle hiss and barrel thunder
Ascending to God's factory floor
Of light and love and Northern wonder

These cobbled streets have lost a great 'un
But know this as your train departs:
Your kidney lives on in Paul Clayton
As you live on in all our hearts.

Nick

Labels: Coronation Street, ITV1, soap death, TV

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Friday, January 11, 2008

Something's come along and it's burst our bubble

SERIAL DRAMA! The soaps, usual channels, usual times

It's been a while since we previewed most of the soaps, and by now they should all be in the throes of post-Christmas-near-apocalypse fallout so as there is nothing particularly exciting on tonight that we haven't already previewed recently, we thought we'd give you a little run down on where things are at with each of them.

In Doctors, the soap that isn't quite a soap, there is some tedious ongoing business, including some more on the *so wrong* affair between George and Nick, and a slightly more interesting patient storyline involving a woman stabbing her husband in the leg because she gets frustrated with a TV shopping channel. Now, that's more like it.

After its long winter break Neighbours is back, and we missed it so much that we have forgiven the fact that it hasn't been very good of late. Sadly, today's episode doesn't feature much in the way of Valda, or Frazer, or Harold, or Lou, or Susan (though next week Susan's illness - and yes, we know what it is, and we are also not telling - comes more to the forefront). It does feature the Barnes/Napiers, and the tedious plot involving Gus Cleary's made-up sister. But it's still more entertaining than life without it.

Home and Away sees the sexual tension between Jonah and Martha reach a climax (ahem) and also features a death. We won't tell you who. Meanwhile, in Hollyoaks, Micksy is still flirting with the absurdly young priest. We think she will be out of luck. Elliot and JP try more Rubbish Tranny pwning, which is always a good thing. And even Swimbint gets in on the Tranny pwning action today. We like that the writers have turned on him recently and realised how obnoxious he really is. The Barnes family are trying to come to terms with the fact that Bintmother Kathy poos in tupperware to taunt the neighbours, and in a move that will divide the opinions of the board, and of all Hollyoaks viewers, a new relationship is consummated...

Of the big three, in Emmerdale the Nicola/David storyline trudges on, whilst Val has health worries... Coronation Street is building up to the big events of next week, when one of the show's longest-serving characters bows out. Tonight, however, we see Kevin go to trial, Ryan go missing, and David potentially get some girl action. Surely that one can't end at all well? As for EastEnders, Darren's inexplicable rise into rubbishy EastEnders wide-boy type continues, and Ian's pushy parenting of Peter escalates. Take your bets on the outcome of this story, people. Will it be drugs? An eating disorder? Running away? A suicide attempt? Or emulating big brother Steven and creating awesome forms of Ian-torturing revenge?

Labels: Coronation Street, doctors, EastEnders, Emmerdale, Hollyoaks, Home and Away, neighbours, Soap operas

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Sunday, December 30, 2007

Ring out the old, bring in the new

ANOTHER YEAR OVER! New Year's Eve telly

So, 2007, then. The year that brought us two Big Brother race rows, Any Dream Will Do, Harry Potter film 5 and book 7, floods, an actually good remake in the form of Hairspray, a new Prime Minister, Heroes, LOLyoaks, McDean, Ugly Betty, Martha Jones, Steven Beale, data loss by the government, High School Musical 2, David Platt, the LC chatroom, the rise of misplaced apostrophes, Facebook for the masses, John Simm as The Master, X, Gavin and Stacey (and also Max and Stacey... ewww), Britney's shaved head, Tangled Up, King Biggins, Umbrella, Enchanted, Same Difference, Big Evva, Sarah Jane Adventures, Stardust and THAT Indy article.

So, how are our TV schedulers sending this year out? Well, five is basically not bothering, with only the film version of Oliver! at 4:20pm of any note - and with their recent mini-series and the upcoming I'd Do Anything, the Beeb has missed a trick by not getting this one. They don't have any show whatsoever to mark midnight. Channel Four are doing little better. They also fail to have anything happening over midnight, although they have a Monty Python evening beginning at 8. However, they do up the ante somewhat with a new series of LC fave Come Dine With Me at the ridiculous hour of 4:55pm, so you best start remembering to set those videos/PVRs/Sky+'s when you go back to work...

ITV1 also has little on offer, although there is a double bill of Coronation Street at 7:30 and 8:30pm, where we see if Liz McDonald will marry Tricky Dicky off of EastEnders. The channel sees the new year in with a Take That and Friends at the O2 Arena at 11:15pm, which is a bit odd, but hey. They then try and grab Channel 4's audience with Monty Python's The Meaning of Life at 12:45 am, and you can cleanse your mind of images of Hollyoaks' Rubbish Tranny in fishnets with a showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show at 2:40am.

As is usually the case with big occasions, BBC1 has it all in the bag tonight, with a new series of Celebrity Mastermind at 6:30pm, followed by Spice Girls: Giving You Everything at 7, in which all five give interviews about their rise, their break-up, their fame and their reunion. Oh, and Geri cries. The 8pm episode of EastEnders ensures that Kevin Wicks (and thus half of Walford) will not be having a very happy new year, then at 8:35 we have The Vicar of Dibley Story which is basically a talking-heads/clip show thing and we think it was on last year, but what the hey.

As for the big 'see in the new year' shows, we have The Big Finish at 9:40, where Graham Norton and a bunch of celebs go over the year's events in much the same way Clive James always used to do, presumably in the format of the Bigger Picture which we were the only people who liked. Then you should turn over to BBC2 at 11:10 for Jools' Annual Hootenanny with Paul McCartney, Kate Nash, Kaiser Chiefs and KYLIE MINOGUE OBE. Yes, that's KYLIE. KYLIE HOO(TENANNY). BBC1 is also doing some actual rubbishy see-in-the-new-year thing at 11:10. Myleene Klass, naturally, will be there. No word on the Barrowman yet, but fear not, you can always watch this if you want to see out 2007 in the presence of its two most omnipresent personalities:





So long, 2007! And to show we still love our Scottish friends despite Leon, let's all join hands and sing: 'Should auld acquaintance be forgot....'

Anyway, enough of that, we have a whole new year to be getting on with, and our dear telly schedulers are heralding this new era with... well, loads of very old movies, in fact, the same ones that they show on every New Year's Day, although they are all packed with LC icons: Bedknobs and Broomsticks, 12:20pm, BBC1, Mary Poppins, 4:05pm, ITV1, Singin' in the Rain, 3:10p, Channel 5, and, ummm, Sister Act 2, 3:25pm, BBC1. BBC1 also sneaks in a repeat of Kylie Who at 2:15pm.
Pink Name. There is are two newish films on today - BBC2 premieres Finding Neverland at 5:30pm, and Channel 4 premieres Fantastic Four at 8:10pm, and we never got round to seeing these at the pictures, so that will be nice.

But there are three main events tonight, two of which clash, so make sure you are armed with Channel 4+1, 4OD or BBC iPlayer to avoid heartache. The first big offering of the evening is Sense and Sensibility on BBC1 at 9:10pm. You may think you have seen versions of this before, and you'd be right, but, like Dickens, it seems you can never have too many versions of Austen on the telly. This is followed by the first episode in the new series of Jam and Jerusalem. Now, this series divided people first time round, and we must admit, it took us a few episodes to get into it, but we soon grew to love the characters (played by the best ensemble of British female talent until, and since, Cranford, with David Mitchell and one or two other men cropping up) and the setting. Think of it less as a full-on sitcom and more as a gently funny drama and you'll love it, we promise. Well, you might, anyway. Oh, and just to warn you, episode two is this Friday. We will remind you of this at the time.

The other big hitter, which Paul gave you a teaser of a few weeks ago, is the opener of series 5 of Shameless. Now, series four was pretty below-par, but we hold out higher hopes for this one, with the promises of Lilian's knocking shop, Ian bumming Carl's teacher, Mimi having weight issues, and, er, a beach. In tonight's episode, Frank is told he only has days to live, and presumably hilarious high jinks ensue. Unfortunately Monica is still around, but fortunately, so is Norma. And who knows, maybe Monica will decide to bugger off again soon. We can hope.

Here are the first fruits of 2008, then. We'll be with you for the rest of it: Mistresses, Big Brother, Dancing on Ice, Torchwood, Doctor Who, Rubbish Tranny getting his comeuppance (we can hope), Strictly Come Dancing, The X Factor, The Big Fat Quiz of the Year 2008, and maybe even The Olympics if we get really over-excited.

Happy New Year, lowculture!

Labels: 2007, 2008, come dine with me, Coronation Street, EastEnders, films, jam and jerusalem, new year, sense and sensibility, Shameless, Spice Girls

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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Hallowedding

TRICK? Coronation Street, ITV1, 7.30pm
TREAT! Drop Dead Gorgeous, BBC3, 9.00pm

Pumpkins! Satanic overtones! Stupid costumes! Going begging from door to door! Something about All Hallow's Eve brings out the romantic in Weatherfield residents, and who can blame them? It's two years to the day since Jason ditched Lovely Violet at Les and Cilla's shambolic wedding reception and threw it up Sarah, and the fairly happy, quite stupid couple are having a second crack at tying the knot. This being Halloween (and Coronation Street), there's at least one obstacle to the couple's long-term happiness in the shape of David, Sarah's demonic half-brother. Having been banished to the shadows after two years of increasingly sociopathic behaviour, culminating in the accidental poisoning of his wind-up niece with ecstasy tablets, resentful David's attempts to sabotage the occasion have left Jason on crutches and the feuding Platts and Grimshaws on better terms than they have been for years. With his father apparently uninterested (when IS Martin going to get dragged back into a David storyline?), his mother and sister refusing to let him near the wedding, and his serial killing dead stepdad doing the voiceover on the trailer for tonight's episode (nice touch!), David looks set to do something rash.

So, Monday saw Sarah destroy David's suicide note, firmly convinced of his ability for world class manipulation and certain that it was just another trick to ruin her big day. But, look! There's two people in fluorescent jackets at the church, and they're not the ushers (we assume), so something must be up. Possibly involving witchcraft or, at the very least, David's car and one of Salford's beautiful canal basins. Whatever the outcome of tonight's hour-long special, we can only hope that all involved will learn from their mistakes/trauma, take stock and grow into better people. Will Sarah learn to be sympathetic to her brother's problems? Will David learn to stop terrorising his family and being endearingly surly and offhand with the rest of the Street? Will they fuck. You've turned out two diamond kids there, Gail. Well, they can't all be Rickitts.

Further matrimonial delights are to be had over on BBC3 where, true to the spirit of the channel, a repeat run of the brilliant second series of Drop Dead Gorgeous starts barely a week after it finished. Murray's glittering civil partnership ceremony kicks off six turbulent weeks of sex, jealousy, knicker theft, death, deception, dognapping, relocation and, yes, more sibling rivalry for teenage model Ashley Webb, her supremely dysfunctional family and their friends. While blessed with a fantastic cast in the central roles (including Corrie alumni Lee Boardman and Kathryn Hunt as bitchy agent Murray and desperately capable matriarch Pauline), the second series' crowning glory is the subtle, touching relationship that develops between school canteen manager Val and sensitive headmaster Howard. Worth sticking with for six weeks just for their heartrending (yes, our heart really was rended/rent) scenes in the finale. And Murray's 'special relationship' with Ashley's nan, obviously. Bless!

Labels: BBC3, Coronation Street, Drop Dead Gorgeous, Halloween, horny orange teenage sociopaths, ITV1, soap weddings, TV

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Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Grrrrr

You find lowculture in a very bad mood today, so don't expect us to be particularly nice about anything, OK?
Is there anything that can cheer us up? The announcement that Keith Barron is joining the cast of Corrie as an old charmer in the centre of a love triangle with Blanche and Rita, perhaps? The looming Spice Girls reunion? Or even the news that Parky is giving up his boring old chat show? No, no and no! It'll take a lot more than that lot to put a smile on our miseable chops today. Bah.

Labels: Blanche, Coronation Street, Keith Barron, Michael Parkinson, Rita, Spice Girls

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Friday, June 15, 2007

Too-loo rye-aye

NEWCOMER! Coronation Street, ITV1, 7.30 & 8.30pm

Well, this should be a lesson to us: we shouldn't leave the updates to write until the last minute, and we definitely shouldn't go out drinking before we do them, because now we're finding it hard to concentrate, and we seem to keep -- oooh, shiny! -- getting distracted. But we will soldier on in the name of half-arsed professionalism and hope that you'll forgive us this minor transgression.

And since we've just come back from checking Amazon to see how cheaply we can get a copy of From Justin to Kelly on DVD (answer: very, although somebody's extremely optimistic in charging £43.54 for a used copy), which rather illustrates our point about a lack of focus, we shall get on with business: chiefly, that of Corrie's Eileen getting a new romantic interest. Hooray! We love Eileen, and not just for that classic berobed catfight with Gail on the cobbles. It's probably a combination of her generous nature, her love of crisps, and the fact that she's usually got a sarcastic put-down for anyone less sharp than she is. We want to be more like her.

Anyway, her love life hasn't exactly been the stuff of a racy airport pulp fiction novel lately; indeed, it's barely been the stuff of a Peter and Jane book. But she's encountered a flirty chap by the name of Pat over the phone while working at Streetcars, and will surely be pleasantly surprised when she meets him in person today and discovers that he's played by Sean Hughes. This does, however, come as a bit of a bummer (not in that sense) to Sinbad, who has romantic designs on Eileen himself. So essentially she's gone from no love life whatsoever to having two men competing for her attention. That's far more like it. Bravo, Eileen.

Labels: Coronation Street, ITV1, Soap, TV

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Monday, June 04, 2007

The long con(nor)

EXIT! Coronation Street, ITV1, 7.30 & 8.30pm

Well, let this be a lesson to all of us, frankly. Being a prostitute may look like a fun and glamorous job that supplies you with endless amounts of cash for an apparently minimal amount of work, but it has its inevitable downsides. Sooner or later, people will see through your cunning ruse of posing as a property developer (although this has got us seeing Sarah Beeny in a new light - kidding! We love you Sarah! Please don't hate us!) when you end up boinking someone who later recognises you in the pub, and thereby outs you to your nearest and dearest. Still, Leanne's had quite the lucky escape - if she watched EastEnders a couple of years back and saw what happened to Janine, she would've seen how much worse she could've had it. Sleeping with Ian Beale. *shudder*

Of course, Leanne's secret hasn't been revealed to everyone just yet, but she's on shaky ground now that Lynda Block Carla has rumbled her, and got rightly miffed at Paul's involvement in the whole thing. Said ground gets notably wobblier when Paul decides to blame Leanne for the apparent dissolution of his marriage, the whole you-were-the-one-who-solicited-callgirls-in-the-first-place-you-pranny aspect of it apparently passing him by.

So he does what any sensible man in his position would do - and we don't really consider this a spoiler since it's been splashed over the pages of most TV periodicals by now - he bundles her into the boot of his car and drives off. Gives a whole new meaning to cash and carry, eh? Eh? Whew, tough crowd. Anyway, since soaps would be quite dull if people frequently bundled other people into the backs of their cars against that person's will only to release them around the corner entirely unharmed, so Paul's car is involved in a nasty crash. But who will survive? Again, it's no massive secret, but we're not going to spell it out. We're meant to be encouraging you to watch the telly, not to switch it off and do something less boring instead. You're confusing us with the Why Don't You? gang.

Labels: Coronation Street, ITV1, Soap, TV

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Friday, May 04, 2007

Backstreet (hairdresser)'s back

DENISE! Coronation Street, ITV1, 7.30pm

We do love getting an opportunity to welcome back an old favourite soap character when they occasionally decide to return from soap limbo (usually Leicester or Scotland, although there are variants), so we're very excited indeed about the return of Denise Osbourne, former paramour of Ken Barlow (we were never quite sure why she chose to do this), mother to yet another Barlow offspring (seriously, Ken, it's called contraception - look into it), resident hairdresser before those reins were passed to the likes of Fiona and Audrey, and all-round brassy lassie.

The reason for her reappearance appears to be something to do with Ken wanting to take a more active role in son Daniel's life, presumably in the hope that he won't grow up to be a convicted murderer like adoptive sister Tracy (whose adolescence Ken did take an active role in in the first place, so we think his logic is a little flawed here), or a bigamist like his half-brother Peter. Or, for that matter, a corpse like his half-sister Susan. If Denise had any sense here, she'd take Daniel to Toronto and seek out the most powerful restraining order known to man.

But no, Denise decides to consider Ken's request and perhaps take a trip back to Weatherfield, just in time to cause a few more tremors in the earthquake that is Ken's marriage to Deirdre. Again. I mean, seriously, why bother getting remarried if your marriage is going to be on the rocks again so quickly? Admittedly they didn't know at the time that Tracy was going to bludgeon Charlie Stubbs to death in an act of misguided vengeance, but it can't have come as that much of a shock, can it? Anyway, welcome back Denise. You are just one of a long line of soap women with deeply questionable taste in men, but we love you all the same.

Labels: Coronation Street, ITV1, Soap, TV

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Monday, April 02, 2007

Without a Trace

VERDICT! Coronation Street, ITV1, 7.30 & 8.30pm

"Oh noes!" the more internet savvy of you are probably crying at this point. (The rest of you are probably just shaking your head in concern about the sliding standards of grammar in today's Britain, and wondering if it's really acceptable to be grammatically suspect in this fashion, even if you're only doing it ironically.) "Haven't you wittered on enough about Tracy bloody Barlow's bloody trail already?" And to be honest, we might say yes: the lovely, admirable and talented Nick covered it in great detail here and in all fairness we don't have a great deal to add, but the verdict of arguably the most important soap trial of the century will be returned today, and what kind of soap-revering blog-cum-website would we be if we let that pass without any kind of comment? A frankly substandard and irresponsible one, is the answer.

It makes for quite a nice change to have sat through a soap trial, knowing for once that The Accused was (a) guilty as sin, (b) acting in a deliberate, calculated and premeditated fashion and (c) not trying to frame someone else. Well, not technically. Can you really frame someone who's deceased? Is it still framing if you're falsely claiming that they drove you to kill them in self-defence? Is it a sign of our rapidly-diminishing mental dexterity that we initially wrote "soap defence" there? We'd have to hire a lawyer to be certain of the answers to any of these questions (even that last one), and we can't afford one at today's prices, unless we phone one of those ambulance chasers who advertise on ITV2 in every daytime ad break, and there's always something hidden in the small print with those, isn't there?

But we digress. While we might have prayed for justice to prevail and for Mandy and Beth Jordache when they stood trial for the slaughter of abusive father and husband Trevor, or for Little Mo Mitchell standing trial for the attempted murder of abusive husband Trevor (we're beginning to see a pattern here), there are probably quite a few people who secretly want to see That Bitch Tracy Barlow finally get hers. We wouldn't be surprised if some of those people turn out to be members of Tracy's own family. But what will the verdict be? Tracy's announced that she's not sticking around the cobbles whatever the outcome of her trial, so Kate Ford's impending exit can't be used as any kind of clue (or can it? Buggered if we know), but either way twelve of Weatherfield's finest will be slapping some more mayonnaise on the club sandwich of justice tonight and deciding whether Tracy Barlow's future revolves around freedom and an inevitable trip somewhere to the south, or jostling for top bitch in an offscreen tribute to Bad Girls. We're on the edge of our seats.

Labels: Coronation Street, ITV1, Soap, TV

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Monday, March 26, 2007

Trial stand by you

TESTIFY! Coronation Street, ITV1, 7.30 & 8.30pm

Soap trials: they've been relatively scarce since Brookside finished, and they're either always boring (rape ones) or not necessarily always boring (murder/attempted murder ones). The nice thing about murder trials is that the victim isn't present to get all self-righteous or sit in the courthouse toilets crying, although a member of their family is usually on hand to make a big, angry, tedious fuss on their behalf. So Tracy Barlow deserves a big round of applause right from the start for choosing to murder Charlie Stubbs, a man who (so far) hasn't appeared to have any family whatsoever, leaving the stage open for the merry folk of Coronation Street to parade through the witness box, attacking reality and fact from all angles and generally lowering local property prices as they pursue various personal agendas or simply portray Tracy as a big old lying cow.

Slick Tracy's initial plan of making the entire community believe Charlie was battering her / ironing her arm has fallen by the wayside somewhat, with both Maria and Jason solemnly swearing that, occasional careless handling of Shelley's earrings aside, Charlie never laid a finger on women in That Way. Wednesday sees Claire take to the stand in support of her pretend friend after weeks of being brainwashed by the sound of Trick Tracy flinging plates at the party wall, but her mid-2006 post-natal mental dip (didn't that get sorted out efficiently!) leaves her evidence open to question. And Friday sees the testimony of everyone's favourite horny, evil and curiously-orange teenager, David Platt, but will his dick swing in Wick(ed) Tracy's favour after she failed to give him her fuck before the trial?

And then there's Deirdre. Poor, confused, devastated Deirdre, who only last night had her suspicions confirmed when Tracy owned up to the whole scheme and asked her mother to commit perjury for her. Of course, Deirdre's a woman who knows what it's like to be on the inside of a prison cell, and naturally she wants Tracy to avoid a similar fate, but can she lie in court, especially with a seething Ken glowering at the proceedings like a man who's just discovered that the stepdaughter he raised as his own and recently remortgaged his house for in order to fund the very expensive defense counsel she requested after committing an act of manslaughter which he's just discovered from his panic-stricken wife was actually (extremely) pre-meditated murder is a murdering bitch? Well, that's up to Deirdre, but whatever she decides to do she'll tackle it like a turkey staring down the blade of a carving knife. Much like the carving knife Charlie wasn't actually going to stab Tracy with, in fact.

Perhaps the greatest joy is the fact that this is the murder trial of a character who, lengthy absences and regenerations aside, has been part of Coronation Street since birth, and who gradually developed into one of the all-time great, completely horrific, self-absorbed soap monsters. Whichever way the trial goes she'll be leaving afterwards, but it's testament to the wonderful people behind the typewriters that after four years of Tracy Barlow (version Kate 4ord.0) tearing holes in the lives of her family and neighbours, they've come up with an exit storyline that outdoes all her previous exploits and dragged in half the cast to enjoy the fun.

Good luck, Tracy! We're rooting for you.

Labels: Coronation Street, ITV1, murder, Soap, TV

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Friday, February 23, 2007

Soap gaiety update

GAYS! Coronation Street, ITV1, 7.30pm

In accordance with the terms of our trading licence, we are obliged to bring you regular reports of matters of soap gaiety that we deem to be important. And while we may not be quite as excited by this as we were by the Craig/John Paul = OTP storyline in Hollyoaks (which has now become the yardstick against which all future acts of soap gaiety shall be measured), it is important that we keep abreast of developments in Corrie's first bisexual love triangle.

So! We all know by this stage that Michelle's suave new boyfriend Sonny is not all that he seems, because he's actually one of those dirty bisexualists, and once upon a time he was having it bumwise with Sean, of course (there being so few gays in Manchester, this was bound to happen). And proving that one should never trust a bisexual (not that we speak from embittered experience or anything), Sonny bumps into a bunch of Weatherfieldians - including Sean - on a night out, one thing leads to another and he and Sean have a bit of a snog. Of course, such an event can not go unobserved, and it just so happens that Sonny's love rival Steve happens to witness this little turn of events, which probably bodes quite well for him.

Perhaps we're being a little uncharitable but we can't quite bring ourselves to care quite as much about this bit of homo action on the grounds that it appears to have more relevance to the placing of obstacles in the way of fairytale couple Michelle and Steve than it does to giving Weatherfield's gays something to actually do. We could be wrong, of course, and if this does in future prove to be a Very Important Act of Soap Gaiety with Serious Future Repercussions, then we'll gladly retract the above statement at a later date. But let's be honest here: we're not half as interested in this storyline as we are in the one whereby sick, twisted and therefore utterly brilliant David Platt is trying to blackmail Tracy Barlow into sleeping with him. It's very incredibly wrong, and yet they're both so vile that it goes right around the loop and goes back to being a thoroughly great idea. So we're caring about that a little bit more right now.

Labels: Coronation Street, ITV1, Soap, soap gaiety, TV

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Friday, January 12, 2007

A proper Charlie

GONE! Coronation Street, ITV1, 7.30 & 8.30pm

Charlie Stubbs is due to get his comeuppance tonight, and we surely can't be the only people thinking "about flipping time". We're well-versed in the soap law wherein nobody who's ever been abusive to their partner is ever allowed to fully rehabilitate and become a useful member of society lest people think it's actually okay to behave like that in real life, but the sheer length of time that Charlie's been allowed to get away with being a domineering dickhead of the highest order really is something else. Admittedly it's slightly more relaxing to watch now that he's met his match in Tracy Barlow, but still.

Anyway, Tracy's been running her controversial campaign to convince everyone that Charlie's secretly terrorising the shit out of her and little Amy for some months now, and tonight Tracy leads the whole thing to an elaborate climax just as Ken and Deirdre decide to call the police. Except by this point, Tracy actually wants the bastard bricklayer to leave in a bodybag rather than a police car, so it may have all gone a bit too far. Oops, and all that.

You'll need to pay proper attention between now and Monday to see the full conclusion of the story and exactly what happens to Charlie and Tracy, so be sure to set your TiFaux or your old skool video. We'd comment on the other stuff going on in the Street at the moment, but there doesn't appear to be much, to be honest. We're actually (gasp!) slightly bored by it at the moment, and not a little alarmed by the realisation that the only soap we feel compelled to watch at the moment is Hollyoaks, for the 'John Paul loves Craig' storyline, which has made Hollyoaks history by being both well-written and well-acted (not by everyone, admittedly, but this is Hollyoaks, after all). Wonders will never cease.

Labels: Coronation Street, Soap, TV

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