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Baby baby, be mine

PATERNITY! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6:30pm

Now, we have noticed that, of late, Hollyoaks has been even more rubbish than usual, with its dreadful plots about drugz and surrogacy. However, even if you have given up on it recently, you must tune in to tonight's epiosde, as it's a corker.

Firstly, we see the possibility of JP getting some new boy action with someone that isn't the wretched, whiny, self-obsessed Craig. We approve. Secondly, we see some development in the Carmel police plot, which we actually like, despite it sounding like the maddest thing ever on paper.

(There is also some nonsense with Nancy-Boy (Newt) and My Bloody Valentine / Goth 'n' Spell (Lauren) giving the Birdseye Botherer (Tom) an emo makeover, but let's skip that).

But the best thing ever is that, finally, after over a year of it being dragged out, the show remembers that there is a dispute over Charlie's paternity. Things arise when Charlie is taken to hospital with leukaemia. Jake(ass) has been such a nasty piece of work for ages that we hope it turn out the baby is Justin's. We also hope it splits Nancy and Jake up and she can remember that she used to be fierce, a long, long time ago.

As they are finally looking like they might resolve this one, can we suggest they continue this theme by getting the McQueens to remember Carmel's boob theft?

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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