lowculture.co.uk

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Dirty ho, what you havin' that baby fo'?

BABIEZ! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm

We apologise if that headline doesn't quite make sense, but we couldn't resist an opportunity to quote from one of our favourite episodes of Popular. It was always awesome when it had musical numbers in it. Anyway, it is sort of relevant, because after approximately two thousand years of pregnancy, Amy "Pregnant Child" Barnes is finally going to pop her sprog tonight - on the floor of the family kitchen, of all places. Classy!

Speculation has been rife on the boards as to exactly what form the baby might be taking - given the gestation period, if she happens to give birth to anything less than an elephant, then we're calling foul on the whole shebang. Of course, that would still leave the potent question of why she's had absolutely no visible pregnancy bump - especially when Becca had to walk around looking like an Alp for the best part of sixth months. We bet she's plotting some serious vengeance from beyond the grave right now.

Anyway, Pregnant Child can stop feeling so pleased with having hidden the pregnancy from her bemulleted father, her slut of her mother and her swimming bint of a sister, because once the contents of her uterus get spread all over their linoleum, they're probably going to suspect something after all. Good luck explaining that one away, kiddo. Meanwhile, in important gay news, John Paul heads off to a gay bar with his family in tow (in his defence, he specifically plans against this happening and invites boring Russ with him instead for moral support), but gets his evening ruined by that well-known killjoy Skoda, who decides that her little brother is clearly making a pass at her boyfriend, because she is incredibly stupid. She needs to read the messageboards a few times and realise how quickly you attract the ire of every single poster once you upset the marvellous JP. Silly Skoda.