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Between a cock and a hard place

CAUGHT! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm

HollyoaksIt's not that often that we get to use our "soap gaiety" and "soap weddings" tags in the same post, and to be honest we're rather stretching things to use them both here, but what the hell: it's gay-related, and it's nuptial-related. You can't say fairer than that. The reason for all this excitement is that the moment has finally come. Yep, Sarah (aka Swimbint) is about to catch Craig and John Paul together in the fair act of vest-clad buttsecks. We suspect we speak for many when we say: about fucking time too, you daft cow.

Craig, of course, is largely responsible for this situation, as he's been playing his boyfriend and his girlfriend off against each other ever since he rather improbably became a Libidinous Bisexual Puppetmaster (TM Joel on the messageboards) and, despite John Paul imploring him to make a fucking decision one way or the other, Craig seems reluctant. And indeed, when he's getting away with it, why should he care?

But in true soap fashion, it's all about to go horribly wrong - Frankie Dean, Occasional Plot-Mandated Homophobe, catches wind of Craig's engagement to Swimbint (itself a kneejerk reaction to a moment of homosexual panic) and throws them an engagement party at the Dog. An oblivious John Paul wanders into the whole thing and is a little thrown, and decides that enough is enough, and in a moment of supreme manipulation (the gays are always so good at that), deliberately sets Craig up to get caught out. Which, according to our flatmate who watched this on E4 on Friday, is the cue for some face-acting of the very highest quality. Shit, meet fan.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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