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(It's a nice day for a) shite wedding

CARNAGE! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm

HollyoaksIt's a well-known fact that soap weddings never run smoothly, so why on earth would anyone want to have a double wedding? Surely that's just asking for twice the amount of trouble? Especially when both brides are members of the McQueen family, and hence are on such friendly terms with the word "trouble" that it pops around for tea twice a week. The more sensible among you might want to build some kind of fallout shelter and stay huddled in there until we give you the all-clear.

When we left things on Wednesday, it was looking a bit ropey for both brides. Mercedes ("affectionately" nicknamed Skoda on the messageboards, for what we hope are obvious reasons) had just enjoyed her hen-night, but monosyllabic (and alleged intellectual, but let's be realistic here) fiancé Russ had developed cold feet, it having only just occured to him that his bride-to-be is in fact a strident, selfish, screeching, clap-ridden* ho bag. The fact that everyone else realised this within minutes of meeting her just goes to prove that Russ is far from the sharpest tool in the shed. We're not even sure he knows where the shed is.

Speaking of mental dexterity, Tina wears glasses and enjoys books, therefore is clearly supposed to be The Brainy One in the McQueen family. Despite this, she's proved herself to be a moron of colossal proportions by jumping to a series of incorrect conclusions regarding her boring fiancé Dominic and his brother's ex-wife, Tragic Mandy. Tina is now worried that she doesn't know Dom at all, which is pretty much the risk you run when you emotionally blackmail someone into proposing to you when you've only been dating for six months, just because your sisters are all getting married and you feel left out. Having seen him in a compromising position with a not-quite-stripper on his stag night (heavens!), Tina has now decided he's impure and not worthy of her. Tina's quest for a man in Hollyoaks who is more virginal than Dominic will surely be documented in another late-night spinoff, one that will presumably run forever because she's on a hiding to nothing with that one.

So with both couples currently torn asunder, can they get to the altar on time? And even if they do, will they get through the ceremony without someone bursting in and delivering a few home truths? Don't bet on it.

*We presume she hasn't actually got the clap, since it would surely have been the subject of a Very Special Storyline complete with Channel 4 action line at the end of the programme, but given her general tendency towards wanton behaviour this state of affairs is clearly the result of luck rather than judgement.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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