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Clare in the community

TUMBLE! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm

HollyoaksWe were somewhat dismayed the other day to discover a group on Facebook which claims that Clare Cunningham is long overdue a good killing-off. Frankly, we couldn't disagree more - Wednesday's episode was proof, if proof were needed, that the show needs her now more than ever. If we can cast our minds back into the annals of soap history, long before any teenage boys of Chester decided they might be quite keen on a bit of bumfun after all, the one great thing about Hollyoaks was the systematic bullying campaign that Clare was waging against Tom - and the sudden resurrection of that storyline this week brought joy into our cold, stony hearts. It's a trick that EastEnders was quick to pick up on - there are few things more satisfying (on television, in fiction, for God's sake don't bloody e-mail us) than a grown woman terrorising a defenceless child. Especially when the child is as annoying as Tom is. Clare for the win!

Anyway, in a week of shit storylines involving the Robot Katy, her thug brother and her fat boyfriend and OH MY GOD NO ONE FUCKING CARES, the one shining light has been the uncovering of Clare's various nefarious plots, including the secret abortion of Louise's either violent or boring foetus, convincing Tom that he's cursed and will eventually lead to Max's death, thus sending him off to live with Brookside's Rachel Jordache, and shopping Warren to the rozzers, thereby bringing her back to her rightful position as Public Enemy No.1. She's also done a fair bit of portentously hanging around on the balcony of the Loft, which is soap shorthand for SOMEONE WILL PUSH HER OFF THIS HAZARDOUS STRUCTURE SOON. Like tonight, basically.

As with all great soap whodunnits there's a shortlist of clear suspects: Louise, Calvin, Warren, Max and OB. They've all got plenty of motive, but which one of them has the balls? Frankly we're not too fussed as long as Claire makes a full and speedy recovery. Chester Village needs her around for as long as possible, particularly to ensure the continued torment of the annoying brats of tomorrow.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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