Thursday, January 31, 2008
One is such a lonely number
Labels: BBC1, EastEnders, Soap, TV
MONOLOGUE! EastEnders, BBC1, 7:30pm
It seems only, ooh, a couple of weeks ago, that there was a thread on the forum named 'Cancel EastEnders'. Oh, and another one called 'EastEnders: How can it stop being shit?' The show hasn't quite shown the mammoth turn around in quality it might want you to think it has, but it's certainly improved from a few months ago at any rate.
Even the most casual viewers and those who have long since deserted it will want to be tuning in for the next couple of nights, though. In fact, these next two episodes of EastEnders are so (potentially) momentous that we are featuring the soap on our front page two days in a row. We can't remember whether that has ever happened before, and we doubt whether it will happen again.
Tonight's episode has been promoted for two or three months now. It is the soap's first single-hander, and it is only fitting that it should go to Dot, a character we actually care about (and note to the scriptwriters, if you EVER try this trick with Phil Mitchell or Max Branning, we will never watch again).
The storyline centres around Dot recording a message for Jim, recovering from a stroke (as actor John Bardon recuperates from the same). We love Dot and Jim together, even if the show has kind of glossed over the fact that they both have a bit of a dodgy racist past, and we also love June Brown's portrayal of Dot. She manages to inject real heart into what could be a tedious series of storylines (a seemingly endless cycle of being religious, loving wayward son, being done over by wayward son, being mugged/terrorised/robbed, seeing loved one die, losing faith in God, regaining faith, loving wayward son etc).
We imagine this one will be a bit of a tearjerker, but at least there's a range of shows at 8 to cheer you up (schedulers take note: we like Waterloo Road, Masterchef, Jamie at Home AND American Idol. Would it hurt to spread the love out a bit?). Grab a box of tissues, and we'll see you tomorrow for a bumper box of Friday TV goodies, including more EE.
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Thursday, January 10, 2008
Stir of Echoes
SOAP! Moving Wallpaper/Echo Beach, ITV1, 9.00/9.30pm Labels: Echo Beach, ITV1, Moving Wallpaper, Soap, TV
It is no exaggeration when we say we have been excited about these shows FOREVER. Okay, maybe it's a little bit of an exaggeration, but we've been excited about them since they were first announced, which feels like a lifetime. It had better have been worth the wait. Echo Beach is supposed to be ITV's new soap, although the fact that the initial run is only 12 episodes somewhat belies that. Soapy drama, possibly, but there's no fun in having a soap with a set end point, if you ask us.
Anyway, it's so high-concept it almost hurts: Moving Wallpaper is set behind-the-scenes of a show called Echo Beach, following the exploits of a fictional production team lead by Ben Miller, who are all busting their figurative balls to create the best soap in town (geek fact: it's all based on Tony Jordan's real life experience of working on EastEnders). We then get to see the result in Echo Beach, presented in a programme in its own right, immediately afterwards. From what we gather, you can watch the latter without the former and things will still make sense, but to get any joy out of the former you really need to watch the latter. A bold move, and demanding a certain amount of viewer loyalty, but we admire their bravery.
When we first heard about it, Moving Wallpaper was planned as an ITV2 companion-type show, so the fact that it's now on the main channel and serving as a lead-in suggests ITV have got a lot of faith in this concept, which pleases us. We also love high-concept soap operas, and have never quite recovered from the loss of Night and Day, so we should be squarely in the target audience for this, and we really, really want it to work. Even if Martine McCutcheon is in it. But then again, Susie Amy is in both shows, playing herself as a casting-couch straddling strumpet (as "Suzie Amy", apparently) in Moving Wallpaper, which sounds a lot of fun. Please, gods of television. Let this be as amazing as we dreamed it would be.
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Monday, August 20, 2007
Getting your Ender away
AWAY! EastEnders, BBC1, 8.00pm Labels: BBC1, EastEnders, Soap, TV
It's always a fairly brave move to move a handful of soap characters away from their main territory, or to follow them when they go, at least. We can't quite explain why, but soap characters outside their natural habitat often fall flat. Maybe it's because it breaks the flow of the normal storylines back home, maybe it's that they don't stand up well under closer examination, or maybe it's just because, y'know, because. Coronation Street just about got away with it the other week when Steve and Eileen went to Malta, but it was a close-run thing. This week, some of the EastEnders crew are heading to Brighton, so let's see how they get on.
Leaving the Square are Garry and Dawn, making what he hopes will be a romantic getaway of some sort, presumably because he has low standards and he hopes that hers aren't much higher. Brighton's his home turf, which also leaves things open for Minty to relight his fire with Garry's mum Hazel. We'll pause here to give you all enough time to swallow that dry heave. And Heather also sets off for the south coast, being somewhat smitten with Garry for reasons that will never be entirely clear.
Also trippin' out this week is Pat, presumably because it's time for her annual storyline. Hooray! Pat is on a trip as a result of a mysterious letter which she will be seen to read ominously shortly beforehand, and cadges a lift off everyone's favourite neglectful parent and all-round degenerate, Shirley. Shirley, being Shirley, abandons Pat in the middle of nowhere, but fortunately Pat bumps into DCI Burnside who accompanies her on her journey, presumably leading to hilarious adventures of many varieties. Whee!
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Friday, August 10, 2007
Could it be tragic?
SADNESS! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm
Ever since it was asserted on the messageboards that Mandy Richardson is the most tragic character in Hollyoaks history, it seems as though everyone else has been trying to sneak that accolade away for themselves. We'd assumed that her natural successor was poor sweet Hannah Ashworth, with her impressive skill at coping through tragedy with fabulous hair and a selection of lovely coats (more on this later), but even Mandy's former battered husband Tony is trying to get in on the act.
Arguably the most tragic thing about Tony is the fact that he's the only remaining member of the original cast, but perhaps his true misfortune lies in his attempts to start a family. Of course his first child, Grace, was inexorably tied up with Tragic Mandy when the kid became a victim of cot death, a tragic situation (we're basically being paid by the "tragic" for this writeup, fyi) from which their marriage never truly recovered. Interestingly, Tony received a letter from Mandy this week informing him that she'd just had a child with her new partner, but having now unexpectedly impregnated new ladyfriend Jacqui McQueen (who, incidentally, could do so much better), there's more tragic news in store for the couple tonight. Let's just say that we shouldn't be sending them any Mothercare vouchers right now.
Elsewhere, poor doomed Hannah is still in the throes of the debilitating eating disorder hannahrexia (that's the one where you inexplicably veer between anorexia and bulimia on a day-to-day basis) thanks to the bad influence of her almost zombified friend Melissa. Gilly, taking some time off from his day job as Cousin Itt's stunt double, has been trying to figure out what's going on (he should've taken some lessons from Russ Owen's mum, really) without much subtlety, forcing Hannah to issue him with an ultimatum. And, in a hilarious piece of meta, that ultimatum takes the form of Hannah saying she'll cry rape if he doesn't leave her alone. Be sure to distinguish between good rape and bad rape, Hannah. We all learnt the difference last year, remember?
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Friday, July 20, 2007
The wedding from Stell'
WEDDING! EastEnders, BBC1, 8.00pm Labels: BBC1, EastEnders, Soap, soap weddings, TV
All good things must come to an end, as a wise person once said. (We think it was Nelly Furtado.) And so it is with great sadness that we come to mark the passing of Sophie Thompson from EastEnders for, in an age where it's quite hard to find good things to say about the show, she's been worth her weight in gold as unhinged, child-terrorising solicitor Stella.
When Stella arrived, she appeared to be a nice respectable professional who was just going about her life with Phil as one of her clients. Of course, this state of affairs could not be allowed to continue for long because soaps, and EastEnders in particular, are profoundly distrusting of the middle classes, and of those who choose to work in a location that is not immediately visible from outside their front door. And so it came to pass that Stella became betrothed to Phil and slowly unravelled (though the show seems to suggest she was like this all along, because well-to-do people are always secretly evil) and waged a campaign of torment against Phil's son Ben for reasons that we were never entirely sure of, but which we suspect are related to a Need To Control and also Her Own Unhappy Childhood. If only she too had been treated to the occasional cockernee knees-up around the old joanna, maybe things would've turned out differently.
We're not averse to a bit of child-bullying in a soap - Clare's campaign against Tom in Hollyoaks was a triumph - and Sophie Thompson sold the hell out of the material that she was given throughout the storyline, as ridiculous as it may have become in places. But villains always get their comeuppance in this show, and just when Stella's at her happiest on her wedding day to Phil (clearly a sign that she's not all there, because no sane person would ever be joyful at the prospect of life in wedlock with the grumpiest potato in soap) Ben finally cracks and her secret shame is revealed. Phil's on the warpath, obviously, and Stella's unlikely to get away with it this time, thanks to those meddling kids. She may have been a monster, but she made the show worth watching for an all-too-brief period. Normal mediocrity presumably resumes next week.
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Thursday, July 12, 2007
(It's a nice day for a) shite wedding
CARNAGE! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm Labels: Channel 4, Hollyoaks, Soap, soap weddings, TV
It's a well-known fact that soap weddings never run smoothly, so why on earth would anyone want to have a double wedding? Surely that's just asking for twice the amount of trouble? Especially when both brides are members of the McQueen family, and hence are on such friendly terms with the word "trouble" that it pops around for tea twice a week. The more sensible among you might want to build some kind of fallout shelter and stay huddled in there until we give you the all-clear.
When we left things on Wednesday, it was looking a bit ropey for both brides. Mercedes ("affectionately" nicknamed Skoda on the messageboards, for what we hope are obvious reasons) had just enjoyed her hen-night, but monosyllabic (and alleged intellectual, but let's be realistic here) fiancé Russ had developed cold feet, it having only just occured to him that his bride-to-be is in fact a strident, selfish, screeching, clap-ridden* ho bag. The fact that everyone else realised this within minutes of meeting her just goes to prove that Russ is far from the sharpest tool in the shed. We're not even sure he knows where the shed is.
Speaking of mental dexterity, Tina wears glasses and enjoys books, therefore is clearly supposed to be The Brainy One in the McQueen family. Despite this, she's proved herself to be a moron of colossal proportions by jumping to a series of incorrect conclusions regarding her boring fiancé Dominic and his brother's ex-wife, Tragic Mandy. Tina is now worried that she doesn't know Dom at all, which is pretty much the risk you run when you emotionally blackmail someone into proposing to you when you've only been dating for six months, just because your sisters are all getting married and you feel left out. Having seen him in a compromising position with a not-quite-stripper on his stag night (heavens!), Tina has now decided he's impure and not worthy of her. Tina's quest for a man in Hollyoaks who is more virginal than Dominic will surely be documented in another late-night spinoff, one that will presumably run forever because she's on a hiding to nothing with that one.
So with both couples currently torn asunder, can they get to the altar on time? And even if they do, will they get through the ceremony without someone bursting in and delivering a few home truths? Don't bet on it.
*We presume she hasn't actually got the clap, since it would surely have been the subject of a Very Special Storyline complete with Channel 4 action line at the end of the programme, but given her general tendency towards wanton behaviour this state of affairs is clearly the result of luck rather than judgement.
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Friday, June 22, 2007
Clare in the community
TUMBLE! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm
We were somewhat dismayed the other day to discover a group on Facebook which claims that Clare Cunningham is long overdue a good killing-off. Frankly, we couldn't disagree more - Wednesday's episode was proof, if proof were needed, that the show needs her now more than ever. If we can cast our minds back into the annals of soap history, long before any teenage boys of Chester decided they might be quite keen on a bit of bumfun after all, the one great thing about Hollyoaks was the systematic bullying campaign that Clare was waging against Tom - and the sudden resurrection of that storyline this week brought joy into our cold, stony hearts. It's a trick that EastEnders was quick to pick up on - there are few things more satisfying (on television, in fiction, for God's sake don't bloody e-mail us) than a grown woman terrorising a defenceless child. Especially when the child is as annoying as Tom is. Clare for the win!
Anyway, in a week of shit storylines involving the Robot Katy, her thug brother and her fat boyfriend and OH MY GOD NO ONE FUCKING CARES, the one shining light has been the uncovering of Clare's various nefarious plots, including the secret abortion of Louise's either violent or boring foetus, convincing Tom that he's cursed and will eventually lead to Max's death, thus sending him off to live with Brookside's Rachel Jordache, and shopping Warren to the rozzers, thereby bringing her back to her rightful position as Public Enemy No.1. She's also done a fair bit of portentously hanging around on the balcony of the Loft, which is soap shorthand for SOMEONE WILL PUSH HER OFF THIS HAZARDOUS STRUCTURE SOON. Like tonight, basically.
As with all great soap whodunnits there's a shortlist of clear suspects: Louise, Calvin, Warren, Max and OB. They've all got plenty of motive, but which one of them has the balls? Frankly we're not too fussed as long as Claire makes a full and speedy recovery. Chester Village needs her around for as long as possible, particularly to ensure the continued torment of the annoying brats of tomorrow.
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Friday, June 15, 2007
Too-loo rye-aye
NEWCOMER! Coronation Street, ITV1, 7.30 & 8.30pm Labels: Coronation Street, ITV1, Soap, TV
Well, this should be a lesson to us: we shouldn't leave the updates to write until the last minute, and we definitely shouldn't go out drinking before we do them, because now we're finding it hard to concentrate, and we seem to keep -- oooh, shiny! -- getting distracted. But we will soldier on in the name of half-arsed professionalism and hope that you'll forgive us this minor transgression.
And since we've just come back from checking Amazon to see how cheaply we can get a copy of From Justin to Kelly on DVD (answer: very, although somebody's extremely optimistic in charging £43.54 for a used copy), which rather illustrates our point about a lack of focus, we shall get on with business: chiefly, that of Corrie's Eileen getting a new romantic interest. Hooray! We love Eileen, and not just for that classic berobed catfight with Gail on the cobbles. It's probably a combination of her generous nature, her love of crisps, and the fact that she's usually got a sarcastic put-down for anyone less sharp than she is. We want to be more like her.
Anyway, her love life hasn't exactly been the stuff of a racy airport pulp fiction novel lately; indeed, it's barely been the stuff of a Peter and Jane book. But she's encountered a flirty chap by the name of Pat over the phone while working at Streetcars, and will surely be pleasantly surprised when she meets him in person today and discovers that he's played by Sean Hughes. This does, however, come as a bit of a bummer (not in that sense) to Sinbad, who has romantic designs on Eileen himself. So essentially she's gone from no love life whatsoever to having two men competing for her attention. That's far more like it. Bravo, Eileen.
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Thursday, June 14, 2007
Selection box
Frankly we're still in a state of shock over the result of The Apprentice last night, and we're considering boycotting all reality shows that don't involve an entirely democratic public vote that only elects the most deserving people to victory, like, um, Steve Brookstein and Michelle McManus. Anyway, we can't quite get up the enthusiasm to rant at length about one programme, so we're going to talk about a few in slightly shorter form, just for a change. Labels: Channel 4, Hollyoaks, ITV1, My Name Is Earl, Soap, The Bill
SOAP! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm
The rape alert is currently at maroon, which means Katy Fox is back in town. We were hoping that she might have been hit by a big red bus while in Television's London and unable to return to Chester to irritate the living shit out of us all with her horrid whiny voice and total inability to act (we've said it before and we'll say it again: when the quality of your acting is so poor that you stick out as a weak link on Hollyoaks, you've really got problems), but no such luck. The good news is that her oh-so-tragic-and-star-crossed love affair with Justin is about to be dealt a blow, because Clare's going to tell Warren all about it and he's going to interrupt their flabby lovemaking to deliver a smackdown. Hooray! We love Clare and her pantomime evil ways. Speaking of star-crossed love, Amy and Josh continue to fight for their tru luv 4 eva, in spite of the crucial facts that (a) he hit her dad on the head with a brick, (b) she's got a child he doesn't know about, and (c) they're both incredibly tedious and no one really gives a shit.
POLICE! The Bill, ITV1, 8.00pm
Simon? Really? Okay, fine, we're going to let it go now. Special mention to The Bill today as former This Life-er Amita Dhiri joins the cast as DC Grace Dasari, a part which was apparently written specially for her, which must be nice. She's thrown in at the deep end nice and quickly to help Mickey on the case of a woman trying to find her son, who's been missing for 11 years. We're assuming they've already checked outside the sweet shop where she left him.
COMEDY! My Name Is Earl, Channel 4, 10.00pm
It's been kicked around the schedules like a redheaded stepchild, but series two finally has a home on Channel 4, albeit not in the usual comedy slot. It's pioneering, though, and we're all in favour of that. Earl's taking the opportunity to revisit his list of things he needs to make right in his life, for reasons that we're not entirely sure of. Possibly just because it's season two, and that's the sort of thing you do at the the beginning of a new season, isn't it? Also of note: this is immediately followed by the film Inside Deep Throat, which sounds like a jolly romp. Have fun!
By Steve :: Post link
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Monday, June 04, 2007
The long con(nor)
EXIT! Coronation Street, ITV1, 7.30 & 8.30pm Labels: Coronation Street, ITV1, Soap, TV
Well, let this be a lesson to all of us, frankly. Being a prostitute may look like a fun and glamorous job that supplies you with endless amounts of cash for an apparently minimal amount of work, but it has its inevitable downsides. Sooner or later, people will see through your cunning ruse of posing as a property developer (although this has got us seeing Sarah Beeny in a new light - kidding! We love you Sarah! Please don't hate us!) when you end up boinking someone who later recognises you in the pub, and thereby outs you to your nearest and dearest. Still, Leanne's had quite the lucky escape - if she watched EastEnders a couple of years back and saw what happened to Janine, she would've seen how much worse she could've had it. Sleeping with Ian Beale. *shudder*
Of course, Leanne's secret hasn't been revealed to everyone just yet, but she's on shaky ground now that Lynda Block Carla has rumbled her, and got rightly miffed at Paul's involvement in the whole thing. Said ground gets notably wobblier when Paul decides to blame Leanne for the apparent dissolution of his marriage, the whole you-were-the-one-who-solicited-callgirls-in-the-first-place-you-pranny aspect of it apparently passing him by.
So he does what any sensible man in his position would do - and we don't really consider this a spoiler since it's been splashed over the pages of most TV periodicals by now - he bundles her into the boot of his car and drives off. Gives a whole new meaning to cash and carry, eh? Eh? Whew, tough crowd. Anyway, since soaps would be quite dull if people frequently bundled other people into the backs of their cars against that person's will only to release them around the corner entirely unharmed, so Paul's car is involved in a nasty crash. But who will survive? Again, it's no massive secret, but we're not going to spell it out. We're meant to be encouraging you to watch the telly, not to switch it off and do something less boring instead. You're confusing us with the Why Don't You? gang.
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Friday, May 04, 2007
Backstreet (hairdresser)'s back
DENISE! Coronation Street, ITV1, 7.30pm Labels: Coronation Street, ITV1, Soap, TV
We do love getting an opportunity to welcome back an old favourite soap character when they occasionally decide to return from soap limbo (usually Leicester or Scotland, although there are variants), so we're very excited indeed about the return of Denise Osbourne, former paramour of Ken Barlow (we were never quite sure why she chose to do this), mother to yet another Barlow offspring (seriously, Ken, it's called contraception - look into it), resident hairdresser before those reins were passed to the likes of Fiona and Audrey, and all-round brassy lassie.
The reason for her reappearance appears to be something to do with Ken wanting to take a more active role in son Daniel's life, presumably in the hope that he won't grow up to be a convicted murderer like adoptive sister Tracy (whose adolescence Ken did take an active role in in the first place, so we think his logic is a little flawed here), or a bigamist like his half-brother Peter. Or, for that matter, a corpse like his half-sister Susan. If Denise had any sense here, she'd take Daniel to Toronto and seek out the most powerful restraining order known to man.
But no, Denise decides to consider Ken's request and perhaps take a trip back to Weatherfield, just in time to cause a few more tremors in the earthquake that is Ken's marriage to Deirdre. Again. I mean, seriously, why bother getting remarried if your marriage is going to be on the rocks again so quickly? Admittedly they didn't know at the time that Tracy was going to bludgeon Charlie Stubbs to death in an act of misguided vengeance, but it can't have come as that much of a shock, can it? Anyway, welcome back Denise. You are just one of a long line of soap women with deeply questionable taste in men, but we love you all the same.
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Thursday, April 26, 2007
One less blonde to worry about
POISON! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm
We knew that our recent obsession with Hollyoaks and its unexpected aceness couldn't last. It had a good run, but it hasn't been quite the same since JP and Craig fell out and we sort of stopped shipping them a little bit. But don't tell anyone we said that. Apparently every time you abandon an OTP a fairy dies, or something. And since then, we're not saying we still don't make sure we catch every episode, because we do and old habits are very hard to break, but our love for the show is a little more half-hearted right now.
However! In the absence of other storylines worth getting excited about, Will decides to give Zoe an overdose. Hooray! We've had an irrational hatred for Zoe pretty much ever since she arrived - indeed, as time goes on we're starting to convince ourselves that our hatred is not irrational and is in fact entirely justified. It's partially the fact that her character biog clearly involves the word "ladette", and partially because she is the most unbelievably stupid human being in the history of everything ever. We'd list our reasons for coming to that conclusion, but we'd be here all night. Her failing to notice that Will slamming her hand in the taxi door was entirely deliberate was just about the icing on the cake, though. Her IQ must be lower than that of an ovum.
Anyway, she's attempted to put the brakes on things with Will, but she clearly forgot to read Breaking Up with Psychos for Dummies and now he's a little narked. Thanks to the magic webcam that no one's ever found, not even when she should surely have emptied her room of all personal effects in order to MOVE TO NEW YORK FOR A YEAR (sorry, still slightly angry about that one), Will sees Zak putting a drunken Zoe to bed and assumes the worse, so does what any sensible sociopath would do, and tricks her into overdosing on her pain medication, and sets it up to look like a deliberate suicide attempt. We hope he makes it look slightly more convincing than that time he slammed her hand in the door, anyway. But then, why bother to craft the perfect crime when it only has to work on an idiot? We're starting to understand Will a little better now.
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Monday, April 02, 2007
Without a Trace
VERDICT! Coronation Street, ITV1, 7.30 & 8.30pm Labels: Coronation Street, ITV1, Soap, TV
"Oh noes!" the more internet savvy of you are probably crying at this point. (The rest of you are probably just shaking your head in concern about the sliding standards of grammar in today's Britain, and wondering if it's really acceptable to be grammatically suspect in this fashion, even if you're only doing it ironically.) "Haven't you wittered on enough about Tracy bloody Barlow's bloody trail already?" And to be honest, we might say yes: the lovely, admirable and talented Nick covered it in great detail here and in all fairness we don't have a great deal to add, but the verdict of arguably the most important soap trial of the century will be returned today, and what kind of soap-revering blog-cum-website would we be if we let that pass without any kind of comment? A frankly substandard and irresponsible one, is the answer.
It makes for quite a nice change to have sat through a soap trial, knowing for once that The Accused was (a) guilty as sin, (b) acting in a deliberate, calculated and premeditated fashion and (c) not trying to frame someone else. Well, not technically. Can you really frame someone who's deceased? Is it still framing if you're falsely claiming that they drove you to kill them in self-defence? Is it a sign of our rapidly-diminishing mental dexterity that we initially wrote "soap defence" there? We'd have to hire a lawyer to be certain of the answers to any of these questions (even that last one), and we can't afford one at today's prices, unless we phone one of those ambulance chasers who advertise on ITV2 in every daytime ad break, and there's always something hidden in the small print with those, isn't there?
But we digress. While we might have prayed for justice to prevail and for Mandy and Beth Jordache when they stood trial for the slaughter of abusive father and husband Trevor, or for Little Mo Mitchell standing trial for the attempted murder of abusive husband Trevor (we're beginning to see a pattern here), there are probably quite a few people who secretly want to see That Bitch Tracy Barlow finally get hers. We wouldn't be surprised if some of those people turn out to be members of Tracy's own family. But what will the verdict be? Tracy's announced that she's not sticking around the cobbles whatever the outcome of her trial, so Kate Ford's impending exit can't be used as any kind of clue (or can it? Buggered if we know), but either way twelve of Weatherfield's finest will be slapping some more mayonnaise on the club sandwich of justice tonight and deciding whether Tracy Barlow's future revolves around freedom and an inevitable trip somewhere to the south, or jostling for top bitch in an offscreen tribute to Bad Girls. We're on the edge of our seats.
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Monday, March 26, 2007
Trial stand by you
TESTIFY! Coronation Street, ITV1, 7.30 & 8.30pm Labels: Coronation Street, ITV1, murder, Soap, TV
Soap trials: they've been relatively scarce since Brookside finished, and they're either always boring (rape ones) or not necessarily always boring (murder/attempted murder ones). The nice thing about murder trials is that the victim isn't present to get all self-righteous or sit in the courthouse toilets crying, although a member of their family is usually on hand to make a big, angry, tedious fuss on their behalf. So Tracy Barlow deserves a big round of applause right from the start for choosing to murder Charlie Stubbs, a man who (so far) hasn't appeared to have any family whatsoever, leaving the stage open for the merry folk of Coronation Street to parade through the witness box, attacking reality and fact from all angles and generally lowering local property prices as they pursue various personal agendas or simply portray Tracy as a big old lying cow.
Slick Tracy's initial plan of making the entire community believe Charlie was battering her / ironing her arm has fallen by the wayside somewhat, with both Maria and Jason solemnly swearing that, occasional careless handling of Shelley's earrings aside, Charlie never laid a finger on women in That Way. Wednesday sees Claire take to the stand in support of her pretend friend after weeks of being brainwashed by the sound of Trick Tracy flinging plates at the party wall, but her mid-2006 post-natal mental dip (didn't that get sorted out efficiently!) leaves her evidence open to question. And Friday sees the testimony of everyone's favourite horny, evil and curiously-orange teenager, David Platt, but will his dick swing in Wick(ed) Tracy's favour after she failed to give him her fuck before the trial?
And then there's Deirdre. Poor, confused, devastated Deirdre, who only last night had her suspicions confirmed when Tracy owned up to the whole scheme and asked her mother to commit perjury for her. Of course, Deirdre's a woman who knows what it's like to be on the inside of a prison cell, and naturally she wants Tracy to avoid a similar fate, but can she lie in court, especially with a seething Ken glowering at the proceedings like a man who's just discovered that the stepdaughter he raised as his own and recently remortgaged his house for in order to fund the very expensive defense counsel she requested after committing an act of manslaughter which he's just discovered from his panic-stricken wife was actually (extremely) pre-meditated murder is a murdering bitch? Well, that's up to Deirdre, but whatever she decides to do she'll tackle it like a turkey staring down the blade of a carving knife. Much like the carving knife Charlie wasn't actually going to stab Tracy with, in fact.
Perhaps the greatest joy is the fact that this is the murder trial of a character who, lengthy absences and regenerations aside, has been part of Coronation Street since birth, and who gradually developed into one of the all-time great, completely horrific, self-absorbed soap monsters. Whichever way the trial goes she'll be leaving afterwards, but it's testament to the wonderful people behind the typewriters that after four years of Tracy Barlow (version Kate 4ord.0) tearing holes in the lives of her family and neighbours, they've come up with an exit storyline that outdoes all her previous exploits and dragged in half the cast to enjoy the fun.
Good luck, Tracy! We're rooting for you.
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Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Dirty ho, what you havin' that baby fo'?
BABIEZ! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm
We apologise if that headline doesn't quite make sense, but we couldn't resist an opportunity to quote from one of our favourite episodes of Popular. It was always awesome when it had musical numbers in it. Anyway, it is sort of relevant, because after approximately two thousand years of pregnancy, Amy "Pregnant Child" Barnes is finally going to pop her sprog tonight - on the floor of the family kitchen, of all places. Classy!
Speculation has been rife on the boards as to exactly what form the baby might be taking - given the gestation period, if she happens to give birth to anything less than an elephant, then we're calling foul on the whole shebang. Of course, that would still leave the potent question of why she's had absolutely no visible pregnancy bump - especially when Becca had to walk around looking like an Alp for the best part of sixth months. We bet she's plotting some serious vengeance from beyond the grave right now.
Anyway, Pregnant Child can stop feeling so pleased with having hidden the pregnancy from her bemulleted father, her slut of her mother and her swimming bint of a sister, because once the contents of her uterus get spread all over their linoleum, they're probably going to suspect something after all. Good luck explaining that one away, kiddo. Meanwhile, in important gay news, John Paul heads off to a gay bar with his family in tow (in his defence, he specifically plans against this happening and invites boring Russ with him instead for moral support), but gets his evening ruined by that well-known killjoy Skoda, who decides that her little brother is clearly making a pass at her boyfriend, because she is incredibly stupid. She needs to read the messageboards a few times and realise how quickly you attract the ire of every single poster once you upset the marvellous JP. Silly Skoda.
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Friday, February 23, 2007
Soap gaiety update
GAYS! Coronation Street, ITV1, 7.30pm Labels: Coronation Street, ITV1, Soap, soap gaiety, TV
In accordance with the terms of our trading licence, we are obliged to bring you regular reports of matters of soap gaiety that we deem to be important. And while we may not be quite as excited by this as we were by the Craig/John Paul = OTP storyline in Hollyoaks (which has now become the yardstick against which all future acts of soap gaiety shall be measured), it is important that we keep abreast of developments in Corrie's first bisexual love triangle.
So! We all know by this stage that Michelle's suave new boyfriend Sonny is not all that he seems, because he's actually one of those dirty bisexualists, and once upon a time he was having it bumwise with Sean, of course (there being so few gays in Manchester, this was bound to happen). And proving that one should never trust a bisexual (not that we speak from embittered experience or anything), Sonny bumps into a bunch of Weatherfieldians - including Sean - on a night out, one thing leads to another and he and Sean have a bit of a snog. Of course, such an event can not go unobserved, and it just so happens that Sonny's love rival Steve happens to witness this little turn of events, which probably bodes quite well for him.
Perhaps we're being a little uncharitable but we can't quite bring ourselves to care quite as much about this bit of homo action on the grounds that it appears to have more relevance to the placing of obstacles in the way of fairytale couple Michelle and Steve than it does to giving Weatherfield's gays something to actually do. We could be wrong, of course, and if this does in future prove to be a Very Important Act of Soap Gaiety with Serious Future Repercussions, then we'll gladly retract the above statement at a later date. But let's be honest here: we're not half as interested in this storyline as we are in the one whereby sick, twisted and therefore utterly brilliant David Platt is trying to blackmail Tracy Barlow into sleeping with him. It's very incredibly wrong, and yet they're both so vile that it goes right around the loop and goes back to being a thoroughly great idea. So we're caring about that a little bit more right now.
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Friday, January 26, 2007
Tonight's the night
FINALLY! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm Labels: Channel 4, Hollyoaks, Soap, soap gaiety, TV
It's here at last, folks. After patiently waiting for what seems like about twenty thousand years, John Paul is finally going to tell Craig that he's deeply in gay love with him. And first of all, we're going to give Hollyoaks some props for the way they've handled this storyline thus far - laying the groundwork quietly, dropping the odd hint every now and then, letting the viewers piece it together for themselves before actually starting to let it unravel; it's been an exemplary piece of storylining. Unfortunately, this means we're going to be harsher on them than ever when they resort to stupid contrived storylines that involve mass raping sprees, because now we know they're actually capable of better.
It speaks volumes about the Dean family that Craig is meant to be by far their brainiest member, and yet has somewhat stupidly failed to spot that John Paul has the hots for him, assuming instead that JP's affections lay with either Weepy Hannah or Swimbint Sarah. That little bit of wrong-footing even had us fooled for a second, if only because it's the kind of dumbass thing we'd normally expect Hollyoaks to do when they've got the perfect groundwork laid for a sensible and touching storyline - they'd completely ignore it.
John Paul hasn't exactly made things easy for himself by allowing himself to get strong-armed into dating Hannah, the anime character who cannot function unless she has a man to psychotically fling her arms around. In fact, we suspect you could replace the man with a giant carrot and she wouldn't mind, as long as the carrot told her she was prettier than Swimbint.
Tonight's Anime Hannah's 18th birthday, and to cover up his totally non-heterosexual feelings for his best friend, John Paul's trying to be the perfect boyfriend by arranging a fantastic party for her. Except Swimbint and Skanky Rhys start getting a bit too close for comfort, so Craig storms out of the party in a huff and that's when John Paul finally blurts out what he's been hiding for so long. And presumably the bastards will stick it right at the end of the episode, thus forcing us to switch over to E4 to avoid having to wait all weekend to see the fallout. This may well be the Most Important Event of Soap Gaiety this year, so don't miss it.
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Thursday, January 18, 2007
Horses' heads in pigses' sheds
SUSPECT! Emmerdale, ITV1, 7.00pm.
So! It’s Chas’s turn to be fingered for The Murder Of Tom King, and it’s not looking good. Earlier in the week the police dug the horse head statue that was stolen from Home Farm on the night of the murder out of the shit in the Dingles’ pigsty, and Eli was pulled in on a standard charge of Burglary By Dingle. But with the horse head-shaped bruises on Tom King’s corpse matching the statue, it looks like there’s more to the robbery than meets the eye – at least to dodgy police chief Vaughan, who’s been sniffing the hem of Venus Flytrap-faced Rosemary’s skirt since her brand new pocket-sized husband snuffed it on Christmas Day.
Chas’s fingerprints are all over the statue and, after Rosemary provoked a violent outburst (not unlike the violent outburst Chas directed at Tom King on his wedding day, in fact) from her in front of the lusty policeman on Tuesday, it looks like she’s well and truly in the pig shit. But don’t worry, Chas! There’s still a whole bunch of other suspects to go through yet, and maybe, just maybe, the statue will turn out to be one of a pair, and by then it’ll be someone else’s turn to get hauled in for interrogation. Hopefully someone quite pointless and dispensable. Like, say, Terry.
Rosemary is certainly the viewers’ choice of suspect over on ITV’s beautiful but fiddly and annoying Who Killed Tom King? interactive investigative internet experience, and our own suspicions about her were only reinforced by the sinister text message she sent us after we voted for her in the online murder poll. (Oh, Rosemary! You should know better than to put your name at the end of the message if you’re trying to intimidate us.) So far we’ve exchanged e-mails with Viv, argued with Shadrach, hacked into Jimmy’s computer, read Edna’s personal correspondence, rummaged through a whole bunch of offices and private residences and peeped through the keyhole in Jasmine’s bedroom door (hmmm). And apparently that was only four days’ work! Sod that. We’ll leave it for a few weeks until it’s Carl King’s turn to be Main Suspect and we might get the chance to look at him in the shower or something.
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Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Soap gaiety alert
HOMO! Home and Away, Five, 6.00pm Labels: Five, Home and Away, Soap, soap gaiety, TV
Having taken great pains to point out the required items of male nudity to your attention yesterday, today we're turning our attention to important moments of soap gayness. With all of the public service work we're doing this week, we ought to get an MBE or something. If they're handing them out to June Sarpong, of all people, then frankly we can't be much further down the list.
While we were here thinking that the only matters of soap homo-ness worth discussing at the moment was the saga of John Paul on Hollyoaks (and believe us, when he finally reveals to Craig that he's got the hots for him, we'll be all over that like a comedy crabs storyline over a Chester resident's pubes), we realised that there's important gaiety happening in Home and Away - primarily in the shape of Matilda's love interest Dean, who appears to like his women a bit more hairy and muscular. And preferably to have a penis.
We're a bit behind on the soap because we're not usually home in time to catch it, but from what we gather, the big reveal's due to happen tomorrow, but the seeds are being sown tonight as Lucas tells Beth the truth about Dean's sexuality. Do not, under any circumstances, volunteer to do overtime at work tonight or tomorrow. Go home. Go directly home, do not pass go, do not collect £200. (PS. Look at how emo Matilda looks in that picture? Now that's a proper "oh noes, my boyfriend's a bit gay" face if ever we saw one.)
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Friday, January 12, 2007
A proper Charlie
GONE! Coronation Street, ITV1, 7.30 & 8.30pm Labels: Coronation Street, Soap, TV
Charlie Stubbs is due to get his comeuppance tonight, and we surely can't be the only people thinking "about flipping time". We're well-versed in the soap law wherein nobody who's ever been abusive to their partner is ever allowed to fully rehabilitate and become a useful member of society lest people think it's actually okay to behave like that in real life, but the sheer length of time that Charlie's been allowed to get away with being a domineering dickhead of the highest order really is something else. Admittedly it's slightly more relaxing to watch now that he's met his match in Tracy Barlow, but still.
Anyway, Tracy's been running her controversial campaign to convince everyone that Charlie's secretly terrorising the shit out of her and little Amy for some months now, and tonight Tracy leads the whole thing to an elaborate climax just as Ken and Deirdre decide to call the police. Except by this point, Tracy actually wants the bastard bricklayer to leave in a bodybag rather than a police car, so it may have all gone a bit too far. Oops, and all that.
You'll need to pay proper attention between now and Monday to see the full conclusion of the story and exactly what happens to Charlie and Tracy, so be sure to set your TiFaux or your old skool video. We'd comment on the other stuff going on in the Street at the moment, but there doesn't appear to be much, to be honest. We're actually (gasp!) slightly bored by it at the moment, and not a little alarmed by the realisation that the only soap we feel compelled to watch at the moment is Hollyoaks, for the 'John Paul loves Craig' storyline, which has made Hollyoaks history by being both well-written and well-acted (not by everyone, admittedly, but this is Hollyoaks, after all). Wonders will never cease.
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