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Model behaviour

DEATH! Hollyoaks, E4, 7.00pm

HollyoaksNormally we wait for Hollyoaks to get its Channel 4 airing before we write about it, but we're breaking the rules today for two reasons (the first being that there's quite a lot of other stuff on tomorrow that we want to write about, and the second being that the Channel 4/Lime TV press department has been all ZOMG SOMEONE DIES!!1! for over a month now, so it's hardly a spoiler any more, is it?). Finally, the moment of truth is here: eating disorder-related death time.

Since the C4/Lime press people rather cunningly decided not to reveal the soon-to-be-deceased character's identity at the same time, there was much heated debate on the boards about whether the skinny corpse would belong to Hannah or tertiary-but-pleasingly-irreverent-and-therefore-oddly-likeable model friend Melissa. We might possibly have threatened to cut a bitch if it turned out to be Hannah, given that she's usually one of our favourite characters, and that Emma Rigby is an asset this show can't afford to lose until its talented:hopeless actor balance swings considerably more in favour of the former. But we needn't have worried: after Melissa's tragic collapse in an alleyway last week, it should surprise few people that she'll be the one embracing Death's icy touch tonight.

We'd like to offer our congratulations to the make-up department, who did a fairly impressive job of making Melissa look absolutely dreadful in her penultimate episode (an interesting contrast to Hannah's unpleasant but conspiciously symmetrical localised breakouts of acne). In an odd way we shall mourn her, because her constant dismissal of all the residents of Hollyoaks Village (and let's be fair, most of them deserved it) became rather endearing, but she is the lesson that poor Hannah must learn if she is to overcome her current debilitating case of bulimorexia. It's certainly going to be far more use than Ashworth Dad trying to snap her out of it with "a plate of spag bol", anyway. Adieu, Melissa. Your time with us was brief, but you managed to fit in an impressive amount of rudeness. You'll be missed.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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