Monday, September 10, 2007
Between a cock and a hard place
CAUGHT! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm Labels: Channel 4, Hollyoaks, soap gaiety, soap weddings, TV
It's not that often that we get to use our "soap gaiety" and "soap weddings" tags in the same post, and to be honest we're rather stretching things to use them both here, but what the hell: it's gay-related, and it's nuptial-related. You can't say fairer than that. The reason for all this excitement is that the moment has finally come. Yep, Sarah (aka Swimbint) is about to catch Craig and John Paul together in the fair act of vest-clad buttsecks. We suspect we speak for many when we say: about fucking time too, you daft cow.
Craig, of course, is largely responsible for this situation, as he's been playing his boyfriend and his girlfriend off against each other ever since he rather improbably became a Libidinous Bisexual Puppetmaster (TM Joel on the messageboards) and, despite John Paul imploring him to make a fucking decision one way or the other, Craig seems reluctant. And indeed, when he's getting away with it, why should he care?
But in true soap fashion, it's all about to go horribly wrong - Frankie Dean, Occasional Plot-Mandated Homophobe, catches wind of Craig's engagement to Swimbint (itself a kneejerk reaction to a moment of homosexual panic) and throws them an engagement party at the Dog. An oblivious John Paul wanders into the whole thing and is a little thrown, and decides that enough is enough, and in a moment of supreme manipulation (the gays are always so good at that), deliberately sets Craig up to get caught out. Which, according to our flatmate who watched this on E4 on Friday, is the cue for some face-acting of the very highest quality. Shit, meet fan.
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Friday, February 23, 2007
Soap gaiety update
GAYS! Coronation Street, ITV1, 7.30pm Labels: Coronation Street, ITV1, Soap, soap gaiety, TV
In accordance with the terms of our trading licence, we are obliged to bring you regular reports of matters of soap gaiety that we deem to be important. And while we may not be quite as excited by this as we were by the Craig/John Paul = OTP storyline in Hollyoaks (which has now become the yardstick against which all future acts of soap gaiety shall be measured), it is important that we keep abreast of developments in Corrie's first bisexual love triangle.
So! We all know by this stage that Michelle's suave new boyfriend Sonny is not all that he seems, because he's actually one of those dirty bisexualists, and once upon a time he was having it bumwise with Sean, of course (there being so few gays in Manchester, this was bound to happen). And proving that one should never trust a bisexual (not that we speak from embittered experience or anything), Sonny bumps into a bunch of Weatherfieldians - including Sean - on a night out, one thing leads to another and he and Sean have a bit of a snog. Of course, such an event can not go unobserved, and it just so happens that Sonny's love rival Steve happens to witness this little turn of events, which probably bodes quite well for him.
Perhaps we're being a little uncharitable but we can't quite bring ourselves to care quite as much about this bit of homo action on the grounds that it appears to have more relevance to the placing of obstacles in the way of fairytale couple Michelle and Steve than it does to giving Weatherfield's gays something to actually do. We could be wrong, of course, and if this does in future prove to be a Very Important Act of Soap Gaiety with Serious Future Repercussions, then we'll gladly retract the above statement at a later date. But let's be honest here: we're not half as interested in this storyline as we are in the one whereby sick, twisted and therefore utterly brilliant David Platt is trying to blackmail Tracy Barlow into sleeping with him. It's very incredibly wrong, and yet they're both so vile that it goes right around the loop and goes back to being a thoroughly great idea. So we're caring about that a little bit more right now.
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Tuesday, February 06, 2007
You must remember this...
KISSING! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm Labels: Channel 4, Hollyoaks, soap gaiety, TV
A kiss is still a kiss...except when it takes place in a soap opera, between two teenage boys, both of whom have girlfriends, because then it's not so much a kiss as it is a cataclysmic life-changing event. We make no apologies for our second Big Gay Hollyoaks Post in the space of a fortnight, because this is a matter of national importance. Folks, this is the moment we've all been waiting for: tonight is the night where Craig and John Paul give in to their obvious OTP-ness and kiss. Hooray!
It's not been an easy road to this point, since Craig submitted to the iron will of Swimbint's Magic Vagina (and if that phrase means nothing to you, we suggest you go and read the messageboard, which will make sense of everything - well, sort of) and John Paul buried his quite-gay-really feelings for his best friend and got strongarmed into dating weepy-and-needy-but-essentially- likeable Hannah. But the applecart got notably upset the other week when John Paul chose Hannah's 18th birthday party to admit his true feelings to Craig. He's been covering it up since, but now it's all going to come out again, if you'll pardon the expression.
Because Hollyoaks Comp is apparently stuck in some kind of 1960s timewarp, the Quartet of Unresolved Sexual Tension have been taking part in a dance competition. Playing the perfect boyfriend to Weepy Hannah gets a bit much for John Paul and he ends up flouncing off, only for Craig to follow him with some illicit moonshine that he snuck into the school. They get a bit wasted together, and proving the theory that the difference between a straight man and a bisexual man can be measured in units of alcohol (or possibly because they've heard all the posters on the messageboard yelling "JUST KISS ALREADY!" at the tops of their voices), one thing leads to another and the twosome finally lock lips. But of course, this being a soap opera, who should walk in on them at the pivotal moment but Weepy Hannah. Oh noes, as they say on the internet. We suspect that Hannah may not be immediately swayed by the "Craig/John Paul = OTP 4evah" argument and might just do something silly, like running off to tell Swimbint. We dread to think what the Magic Vagina will to do punish Craig after this.
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Friday, January 26, 2007
Tonight's the night
FINALLY! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm Labels: Channel 4, Hollyoaks, Soap, soap gaiety, TV
It's here at last, folks. After patiently waiting for what seems like about twenty thousand years, John Paul is finally going to tell Craig that he's deeply in gay love with him. And first of all, we're going to give Hollyoaks some props for the way they've handled this storyline thus far - laying the groundwork quietly, dropping the odd hint every now and then, letting the viewers piece it together for themselves before actually starting to let it unravel; it's been an exemplary piece of storylining. Unfortunately, this means we're going to be harsher on them than ever when they resort to stupid contrived storylines that involve mass raping sprees, because now we know they're actually capable of better.
It speaks volumes about the Dean family that Craig is meant to be by far their brainiest member, and yet has somewhat stupidly failed to spot that John Paul has the hots for him, assuming instead that JP's affections lay with either Weepy Hannah or Swimbint Sarah. That little bit of wrong-footing even had us fooled for a second, if only because it's the kind of dumbass thing we'd normally expect Hollyoaks to do when they've got the perfect groundwork laid for a sensible and touching storyline - they'd completely ignore it.
John Paul hasn't exactly made things easy for himself by allowing himself to get strong-armed into dating Hannah, the anime character who cannot function unless she has a man to psychotically fling her arms around. In fact, we suspect you could replace the man with a giant carrot and she wouldn't mind, as long as the carrot told her she was prettier than Swimbint.
Tonight's Anime Hannah's 18th birthday, and to cover up his totally non-heterosexual feelings for his best friend, John Paul's trying to be the perfect boyfriend by arranging a fantastic party for her. Except Swimbint and Skanky Rhys start getting a bit too close for comfort, so Craig storms out of the party in a huff and that's when John Paul finally blurts out what he's been hiding for so long. And presumably the bastards will stick it right at the end of the episode, thus forcing us to switch over to E4 to avoid having to wait all weekend to see the fallout. This may well be the Most Important Event of Soap Gaiety this year, so don't miss it.
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Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Soap gaiety alert
HOMO! Home and Away, Five, 6.00pm Labels: Five, Home and Away, Soap, soap gaiety, TV
Having taken great pains to point out the required items of male nudity to your attention yesterday, today we're turning our attention to important moments of soap gayness. With all of the public service work we're doing this week, we ought to get an MBE or something. If they're handing them out to June Sarpong, of all people, then frankly we can't be much further down the list.
While we were here thinking that the only matters of soap homo-ness worth discussing at the moment was the saga of John Paul on Hollyoaks (and believe us, when he finally reveals to Craig that he's got the hots for him, we'll be all over that like a comedy crabs storyline over a Chester resident's pubes), we realised that there's important gaiety happening in Home and Away - primarily in the shape of Matilda's love interest Dean, who appears to like his women a bit more hairy and muscular. And preferably to have a penis.
We're a bit behind on the soap because we're not usually home in time to catch it, but from what we gather, the big reveal's due to happen tomorrow, but the seeds are being sown tonight as Lucas tells Beth the truth about Dean's sexuality. Do not, under any circumstances, volunteer to do overtime at work tonight or tomorrow. Go home. Go directly home, do not pass go, do not collect £200. (PS. Look at how emo Matilda looks in that picture? Now that's a proper "oh noes, my boyfriend's a bit gay" face if ever we saw one.)
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