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Soap gaiety alert

HOMO! Home and Away, Five, 6.00pm

Home and AwayHaving taken great pains to point out the required items of male nudity to your attention yesterday, today we're turning our attention to important moments of soap gayness. With all of the public service work we're doing this week, we ought to get an MBE or something. If they're handing them out to June Sarpong, of all people, then frankly we can't be much further down the list.

While we were here thinking that the only matters of soap homo-ness worth discussing at the moment was the saga of John Paul on Hollyoaks (and believe us, when he finally reveals to Craig that he's got the hots for him, we'll be all over that like a comedy crabs storyline over a Chester resident's pubes), we realised that there's important gaiety happening in Home and Away - primarily in the shape of Matilda's love interest Dean, who appears to like his women a bit more hairy and muscular. And preferably to have a penis.

We're a bit behind on the soap because we're not usually home in time to catch it, but from what we gather, the big reveal's due to happen tomorrow, but the seeds are being sown tonight as Lucas tells Beth the truth about Dean's sexuality. Do not, under any circumstances, volunteer to do overtime at work tonight or tomorrow. Go home. Go directly home, do not pass go, do not collect £200. (PS. Look at how emo Matilda looks in that picture? Now that's a proper "oh noes, my boyfriend's a bit gay" face if ever we saw one.)

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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