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Gail force

PERIL! Coronation Street, ITV1, 7.30 & 8.30pm

Coronation StreetWe've come to the conclusion that staircases in soap operas are generally only there for symbolic purposes, since the vast majority of soap houses do not appear to have anything even remotely resembling a functional upstairs floor. Therefore it is deeply, deeply foolish for a soap character to make a point of doing anything on the stairs; it demonstrates utter genre blindness, because it inevitably means they're set to fall down them at any moment. If only they watched as many soaps as we do, they'd be aware of this.

Tonight it's the turn of Gail to take a tumble earthwards, having been rumbled by David for her part in Tina's termination of her demon spawn. Given that David has been a little bit on edge, to put it mildly, ever since discovering that he was almost terminated himself back when he was a foetus, this is exactly the worst thing for the ticking teenage time bomb to find out right now, so Gail gets an unwitting but violent shove for her trouble. This is why you should always have such confrontations on a nice level and soft-carpeted part of the living room.

The news of Gail's fall rather took us by surprise, not particularly because of the accident itself, but in terms of our reaction to it; we found ourselves feeling rather sad, since we're in the extremely odd position of having grown quite fond of Gail lately. David, sadly, does not share our feelings and chooses to panic and run off, leaving his mum for dead. Tsk. It's unlikely she actually is dead, of course, because that's the sort of thing we would all have known about months in advance, but we'll be tuning in tonight to see the dramatic fallout nonetheless.

If anyone's interested, we'll be having a lowculture whip-round later, in the hope of raising enough money to buy Gail a nice bungalow. Please give generously.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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