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How's about cooking something up with me?

CULINARY! Gordon Ramsay: Cookalong Live, Channel 4, 9pm

As you can't fail to have noticed, today marks the sad departure of Dame Vera Duckworth from our screens. At times of extreme grief, what is our natural response? Why, to comfort eat, of course. And Channel 4 has come to our aid in this time of national sadness by showing Gordon Ramsay: Cookalong Live tonight, so that after the big event you can channel your grief into perfecting those cooking skills (which will help you as you consider applying for Come Dine With Me) and then eating the delicious results. The courses you can cook are: Pan-roasted Scallops, Steak and Chips and Chocolate Mousse. Vegetarians are permitted to make extra pudding to compensate for the meaty starter and main.

The gimmick of this show is that you are meant to cook along with Ramsay, which is all very well, but how many of us have our tellys in our kitchens? (Fortunately the recipes are all available on the Channel 4 website, along with some video clips of how to make them (so you can cheat a bit, essentially).

If you want to take part in this national event and report the results to us later (mandatory), the list of what you will need is below. However, we must warn members of the lowculture Fat Fighters group to look away, as these all appear to be highly calorific:

(The quantities listed serve four, by the way, so you may wish to adjust accordingly)

200g cherry tomatoes
Small bunch coriander
Small bunch basil
1 lemon
120g rocket

4 x medium Desiree potatoes (approx 600g)
Advertisement200ml full fat crème fraiche
250ml fresh double cream
1 x pack salted butter
1 x small block of Parmesan
12 king scallops, hand-dived if you can get them

4 x good quality Sirloin steaks approx 220 – 250g each, and approx 2.5 cm thick
1 x medium bottle olive oil
1 x medium bottle groundnut oil
3 x tablespoons white wine vinegar
60g pitted black olives (Kalamata if possible)
Sea salt
Black peppercorns
Chilli flakes

20g icing sugar
2 x 32g bars of chocolate covered honeycomb (Crunchie for example)
150g dark chocolate (at least 70% cocoa)
2 tablespoons coffee liqueur (Tia Maria or Kahlua for example)

Don't feel guilty about feeding yourself up in this time of grief. You'll need the fuel to get you through the dark days ahead. Anyway, we're sure it's what Vera would have wanted.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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