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Smile with your eyes

PORTFOLIO! Britain's Next Top Model, Living, 9.00pm

Britain's Next Top ModelHooray! Even though there are two cycles of America's Next Top Model every year, it's still never quite enough for us, so huzzah for the return of its less glossy British counterpart. Okay, so it has "non-terrestrial budget" written all over it - the attempts at creating a glitzy room for the judging panel in the previous two series were hilarious, and the quality of the photos is generally a bit iffy - but it's a chance to prove that British girls can be every bit as bitchy as their American counterparts, and do it with wonkier teeth to boot.

We've got 12 more model wannabes just itching to be told that they're too technical and need to learn how to tooch their booty - if you can't wait until tonight, you can have a look at them on the website. Our initial reaction is that they look like they have slightly more potential than a lot of the contestants in the previous two series, that Carley reminds us of a popstar that we can't quite pin down (it may be one of Frank), and that we really hope that's just an singularly unfortunate picture of poor Krystal because otherwise she's doomed from the start. Or maybe it's just the haircut, who knows?

Anyway, before one of them can emerge victorious as Britain's Next Top Obscure Digital TV Reality Show Winner, there are 11 people to cut, lots of photoshoots to attend, lots of challenges to win, and lots of catfights to be had. Hell yeah. Lisa Snowdon promised us (personally, no less) that there would be scraps galore, and we can't wait. Also: Janice Dickinson will be appearing at some point in the series. Yahoo!

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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