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A spoonful of Sugar

HIRED! The Apprentice, BBC1, 9.00pm

The ApprenticeEvery so often, we swear we can still hear an echoed cry of "what the fucking fuck?" bouncing around our living room walls, which was something akin to our response during last week's episode when Katie apparently developed a heart of some kind and realised that she couldn't possibly leave her children to go and work for Sralan Sugar, thereby "stepping down" from the interview process. You know, the same children that she'd repeatedly suggested quite strongly that she didn't really give a flying Fauntleroy about roughly ten minutes previously. We cried bullshit, and if Tre's exit interview is anything to go by, we're not wrong. Then again, Tre thinks he has offices in 15 countries across the world, so who knows what's true anymore, eh?

Anyway: this is it, bitches. After tonight, either Kristina Grimes or Simon Ambrose will be The Apprentice, and will have an extremely glamorous job along the lines of recycling old office supplies in Brentwood, the lucky lucky things. The smart money would seem to be on Kristina, on the grounds that she's displayed such qualities as resourcefulness and competence (swearing on air during the teleshopping task notwithstanding), rather than on Simon, who rather went to pieces over the past few weeks, who unintentionally draws attention to his penis on live television and turns into a six-year-old girl during interviews, but who looks nice answering the phone in his pants. But that's the thing with this show, because not many of us were betting on Michelle this time last year, and look what happened.

This year's final task is a little more low-key than previous years: Kristina and Simon are asked to come up with suggestions for what Sralan might want to do with the ground he'll obtain when he demolishes a building that he's just bought on London's South Bank, and present their ideas to a crowd of 100 property experts (dear show: please let one of them be Sarah Beeny). It's not quite as dramatically satisfying as the gala party event from last year, but it probably makes more sense from a "who's most likely to be better at the actual job" perspective. So, who'll win? Who knows? That's half the fun. Team Kristina! (Now watch as Simon romps to victory, since we always get these things wrong.)

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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