Thursday, February 15, 2007
CLAP! Sex, Lice and Videotape, BBC3, 9.00pm
BBC3’s Coming Of Age Season ploughs on with another candid look into the lives and, this week, the pubes of Britain’s teenagers. Yet again, they’ve come up with a documentary that seems far more suited to the game show format, but here the distinction is so vague as to be barely noticeable. Basically, it’s Russian roulette with a rash, as the six teens/young people are filmed going to the local discotheque, finding someone to have sex with, having sex with them (possibly not on camera, but Skins is on E4 straight after this if you’re interested in that sort of thing) and then taking a trip to the clinic to see whether they’ve scored the STI jackpot.
Being a responsible website, of course, lowculture has a duty to address some of the important issues and questions raised by this programme. Is sex a guarantee for today’s young person on the pull? We’re happy to report that, yes, if you’re aged between 16 and 22 you are guaranteed sex wherever you seek it, and if you haven’t yet found it there’s something wrong with you. Is it a good idea for a television programme to encourage casual sex among the young? Once again, we’re pleased to announce that, yes, it is absolutely fine if the programme is aired in an educational context, and also if the basic premise is quite amusing. But should sex be presented to the modern young as a risky recreational activity rather than the natural next step in a tender, loving relationship? Well, there’s an argument for that, of course, but Valentine’s Day was yesterday, and besides, there’s a whole host of FABULOUS prizes to be won!
So, with the teens/young people barely finished fucking, they’re dragged off to the clinic for the final tally-up. Two points for chlamydia and gonorrhea (double points for correct spellings), five for crabs (with another five if you can catch one and teach it to tap dance) and ten for herpes and syphilis (yes, sores WILL be counted in a tie-break situation). The most riddled teen/young person wins a car, a truckload of antibiotics and a little cluster of blurry pixels over their face for the duration of the programme, while the runners-up win a toaster, a truckload of antibiotics and kudos for having had a urine test on national television. Consolation STIs will be on hand for anyone who didn’t manage to catch a single one, and hopefully everybody will come away with a clearer sense of the dangers of genitals and the magic of infections. If anyone’s still pissing blood a month later, that’s their problem. Gonorrhiffic!
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Jesus, this sounds awful. The BBC prog makers obviously at pains not to look 'old-fashioned' in their views on sex. So they place it wholely within the area of teenage recreational activities.