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All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Monday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» LIST! A-Z Of EastEnders, BBC1, 5.25pm
Just in case you were in any doubt that it's a bank holiday today, this is a sample of the sort of intellectually undemanding output we'll be getting on the telly this evening. Jonathan Ross leads us on a 26-step tour around Albert Square, although no clues have been given as to what each letter will stand for. We're going to hazard a few guesses: F will stand for "fairmerlee", which in case you hadn't realised by now, is the most important thing ever, N will be for "night caff", a storyline that crops up every couple of years but never gets any more interesting, and U will be for "unthreatening gangsters"...well, it should be, anyway.
» MISSED! 50 Terrible Predictions, Sky One, 9.00pm
More typical bank holiday fare, but this offering from Sky looks like it'll be rather entertaining: Angus Deayton introduces the 50 most unfortunate public predictions of recent years, such as Michael Fish's pre-hurricane weather warning and that terrifying Millennium Bug that threatened the entire infrastructure of the world's computer network, or something. Possibly also included: every former soap star ever sitting on the This Morning sofa saying that they've got "a number of interesting projects in the pipeline".
» PISSED! Ikea Drives Me Crazy, BBC2, 10.30pm
And, since it's a bank holiday, about 75% of the country will have been out shopping for flatpack furniture, so we can all come home and watch this while we're attempting to assemble our Krappi coffee tables. It's probably not likely to be a serious hard-hitting documentary, but it should be a lot of fun to watch a bunch of flatpackphobes explaining exactly what it is about that missing screw that makes them want to attack puppies with a rusty chain.
» Is there something we've missed? Click on the comment link to share your tips.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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