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TANYA'S BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS

All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Wednesday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» FOOD! Jamie's School Dinners, Channel 4, 9.00pm
You've got to hand it to Jamie Oliver - this hasn't been so much a TV series as it has been a massive national campaign to improve the quality of kids' school dinners. The final instalment follows Jamie as he tries to get his scheme adopted across an entire London borough - but will he popping home afterwards for a celebratory foccacia, or a sorrowful risotto?
» VIEWED! Desperate Housewives, Channel 4, 10.00pm
For a show where so much relies upon the idea that your neighbours are constantly monitoring what you're doing, it really has taken a long time for anyone to notice that Mrs Huber was bludgeoned to death with Mary Alice's blender a few weeks back. Edie, whose heart is in the right place (even if most of her face isn't), takes it upon herself to organise a search this week just as Mrs Huber's sister turns up. We'll be squealing with delight, for she is played by Harriet Sansom-Harris, recognisable from many bit-parts over the years, but chiefly as Frasier's demonic agent Bebe.
» LEWD! Showgirls, Channel 4, 11.05pm
It's a hat-trick for Channel 4 tonight as they deal their trump card in the form of The Best Movie Ever Made*. Prepare for those lovely wholesome memories of Jessie Spano to get trampled into the ground as Elizabeth Berkeley heads to Las Vegas hoping to make it as a showgirl, stopping to mispronounce Versace and have a lot of sex along the way, including one display of alarming litheness in a swimming pool.
*Not officially proven.
» Is there something we've missed? Click on the comment link to share your tips.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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