(function() { (function(){function c(a){this.t={};this.tick=function(a,c,b){var d=void 0!=b?b:(new Date).getTime();this.t[a]=[d,c];if(void 0==b)try{window.console.timeStamp("CSI/"+a)}catch(l){}};this.tick("start",null,a)}var a;if(window.performance)var e=(a=window.performance.timing)&&a.responseStart;var h=0=b&&(window.jstiming.srt=e-b)}if(a){var d=window.jstiming.load;0=b&&(d.tick("_wtsrt",void 0,b),d.tick("wtsrt_","_wtsrt", e),d.tick("tbsd_","wtsrt_"))}try{a=null,window.chrome&&window.chrome.csi&&(a=Math.floor(window.chrome.csi().pageT),d&&0=c&&window.jstiming.load.tick("aft")};var f=!1;function g(){f||(f=!0,window.jstiming.load.tick("firstScrollTime"))}window.addEventListener?window.addEventListener("scroll",g,!1):window.attachEvent("onscroll",g); })(); lowculture: TANYA'S BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS

TANYA'S BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS

All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Thursday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» GO DOWN! Neighbours, BBC1, 1.40 & 5.35pm
Thanks to some of the weakest and most circumstancial evidence we've ever seen, Steph's hateful family ban her from going to her grandfather's funeral because they're still convinced she killed him, and then she gets arrested. Oh, please. The only person Steph should be killing at any point in this programme is Lyn, and not a single one of us would blame her for it. We'd gladly do it ourselves, given the slightest opportunity.
» SHOWDOWN! Emmerdale, ITV1, 7.00pm
It's not a good day for people called Steph in soap operas today, as Steph Stokes heads to Scotland in pursuit of Shelly to try and put things right between them once and for all. Unfortunately, Shelly isn't hugely receptive to the idea (whether this might have anything to do with the fact that Steph more or less tried to kill her a couple of months ago, we can't tell you) and a scuffle breaks out between the two of them...on a ferry, of all places. Since we've watched soap operas before, we're willing to bet only one of them makes it back to the docks.
» ER, HOEDOWN! Charmed, Living TV, 8.00pm
The Charmed writers break out the 9,853rd variation on the "sisters lose their powers and hijinks ensue" storyline tonight, as Piper and Phoebe find their powers unexpectedly transferred to two innocent bystanders. We can imagine the fun that a civilian might have with Piper's ability to blow shit up, but what damage could anybody possibly do with Phoebe's lameass powers?
» Is there something we've missed? Click on the comment link to share your tips.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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