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All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Monday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» HELL! Beaten, BBC1, 2.05pm
You'd never guess that I had a week off last week, now that I'm recommending daytime TV, would you? Capitalising on the fact that Neighbours is bloody great at the moment, the Beeb screens this one-off drama right afterwards, exploring the outbreak of violence in an explosive marriage. It's all very daring stuff for daytime, and what about the children? Won't somebody think of the children? Even though they really shouldn't be watching telly at school, and if they are, well, we blame the teachers. Robson Green and Saira Todd (of Playing The Field and Queer As Folk fame) star.
» REBEL! Teen Angels, BBC3, 9.00pm
Not, sadly, the incredibly cheesy Disney mini-series of the early 1990s, but instead a post-watershed spin-off from the hit Little Angels strand, this time focusing on difficult teens. It'll be interesting to see if this works as well, or indeed is as successful, as its predecessor, since this is the sort of thing that crops up a lot on Channel 4, and they tend to do it quite well. Still, we predict it'll turn out like its sister (mother? father?) show, in that it'll fall halfway between heartwarming reality TV and the televisual equivalent of a contraceptive.
» SPELL! Smallville, E4, 9.00pm
Far be it from us to slag off a programme on the strength of the trailer, but we think this episode looks a bit rubbish. Anyone who's been following the series (just us, then?) and wondering what the deal with that bizarre tattoo on Lana's back is will have their patience rewarded tonight, as the spirit of a powerful witch uses it to possess Lana, Lois and Chloe, and turn them against Clark. It sounds okay on paper, but at the end of last week's show, it just looked a bit like a really pisspoor Charmed ripoff. And let's face it, the original Charmed is pisspoor enough in its own right these days.
» Is there something we've missed? Click on the comment link to share your tips.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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