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Today's guest Tanya Turner is out lovely friend Ann, who is lovely. Unfortunately, she is also evil, as you are about to discover for yourselves. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» REGRESS! My Parents Are Aliens, CITV, 4.30pm
This one’s too good for the kids so I’m reclaiming it for the unemployed, the students, and those bunking off work to spend a day lowculturing themselves. For those who’ve never had the pleasure, here’s an Idiot's: Sophie and Brian are aliens from the planet Valux who’ve crash-landed in suburbia and are waiting to be rescued. They decide they need some children. Mel (moody goth teen), Josh (cheeky scammer boy) and Lucy (cute geek girl) are orphans who want to be fostered…bingo! Their parents are aliens! And this is the crazy shit - Brian grows moose antlers when he eats ice cream. Let the japes commence!  With one episode boasting the plot twist, ‘But matters become even more complicated when Brian too becomes pregnant’, it’s got to be good. Today Brian tries to prove that he’s the world’s best dad only to go too far and make a fool of himself. Those crazy aliens!
» SMOKE LESS! Neighbours, BBC1, 1.40pm and 5.35pm
Oh. My. God. This is the big one. This is what we’ve been waiting for. This is the Season Finale. We've had Christmas and that was nice (Boyd - hott - nice), but everything before today has just been a precursor to the main attraction. The wedding at Lassiter’s was never going to run smoothly, was it? Let us not forget that Izzy is evil (now she‘s a bit nice, but we probably shouldn‘t trust her). It’s not looking good for Karl when he finds out that the bride’s fucked off. It’s alright though because she returns, gets on her knees and tells Karl she loves him but that she doesn’t want to marry him today. To the pub for drinks! Hurrah! BUT THEN…a shadowy figure is seen setting the store room alight, and it‘s not because he‘s been having a sneaky fag out back. Fire! Stuart and Sindi are trapped inside! Max is blasted from the raging inferno of the Coffee Shop saving Madge’s cooking book for Harold! There is so much fire! The roof collapses! Enter Paul Robinson, stage left. EXCLAMATION MARKS. In the name of all that is Kylie, will the drama never end?! Meanwhile, back on the ranch, Steph doesn’t kill her grandfather. This should come with a ‘Valium Necessary’ warning.
» BITCHINESS!Eastenders, BBC1, 7.30pm
Sam’s a sly bitch for the whole episode.
Oh, you want more than that. In a ploy to make Chrissie go mental, Sam invites Zoe over, sends her even more insane over all that Den stuff, then leaves her to scare the bejesus out of Chrissie. Very clever. However, there was so much potential in their Three Witches guise. Zoe was still pretty annoying (ps – she sounds like David Walliams and I am not lying), but they needed a brunette, and they could coordinate outfits with a little planning. It’d be like Charlie’s Angels do New Look. But even as a trio, could they top Sam’s greatest head-fuck to date? How am I supposed to explain to the kids how one minute she’s in Albert Square being an uber-cow and the next she’s singing and being lovely on Fame Academy? Won’t somebody think of the children?
» We usually have weekends off, but we've got so many brilliant guest Tanyas to get through that you are fully expected to report back here tomorrow, Saturday AND Sunday for more highlights. Otherwise we'll get angry, and nobody wants that.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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