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Another day, another lovely guest Tanya. Donning the heels today is Nick, who is the tallest man in Manchester, where he studies tricky literature and the mating habits of The Gays – often up close. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» AMUSE! Comic Relief Live, BBC1, from 7.00pm
Obviously there’s no getting away from the fact BBC1 want you to have fun tonight because when you have fun, you give them money. Well, don’t forget that your money paid for Adi Ferriera’s stupid beard and a couple of fingernails last year, so don’t go too mad this time. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! We jest, of course, in the true spirit of Comic Relief, but if you’ve just got home from work hoping that you don’t have to see another stupid costume or watch another comedy stunt, you’d probably do better to bung them a tenner and switch over to Corrie before the endless parade of Henrys, Nortons, Rosses, Atkinsons, Dicks, Doms, Frenchs, Saunderses, Curtises, Walliamses, Lucases, Evanses, Smiths, Joneses etc attempt to prove that the level of hilariousness in the comedy is inversely proportional to the number of comedians queuing at the side of the stage waiting for their turn. If you really want to sit through THE WHOLE THING, (a) are you sure?, (b) are you really sure?, and (c) don’t forget to dash to the toilet during the convenient, regular black-and-white slow-motion video footage moments when they start playing ‘Love Can Build A Bridge’.
» INTERVIEWS! Coronation Street, ITV1, 7.30pm
Dad Harris is dead and in a bag, Dad Platt is in the frame and That Bloke Who Plays A Policeman In Everything is asking some tricky questions. Mum Harris still hasn’t got rid of the murder weapon, but we can only assume she’s got some great idea for this seeing as she seems to know everything there is to know about covering up the inter-family murder of a loved one. Meanwhile, more inter-family homicide seems to be on the cards across the Street, as Blanche and Ken grow suspicious of the newly-returned Ray. We weren’t actually alive last time he graced the cobbles of Weatherfield, but we have to ask: did he always sound just like Ashley Peacock?
» NEWS! Tomorrow Never Dies, ITV1, 8.00pm
Really good 1997 Bond film which has only been slightly spoiled for us by our having watched it a million times since it came out. Highlights include Judi Dench and Geoffrey Palmer reprising their bickery old As Time Goes By roles in the pre-titles sequence (“You never told me you were the head of the British Navy”, “Well, you never told me you were the head of MI6”, etc), Teri Hatcher wrapping Pierce Brosnan round her little finger before becoming the most tragic Bond girl since Diana Rigg, and Jonathan Pryce deciding that what every decent megalomaniacal media mogul needs is a suitably threatening catchphrase, before settling on “Delicious!”. Mmm-hmm!
» RIDICULOUSLY SUPER-FASHIONABLE SHOES! Nathan Barley, Channel 4, 10.00pm
We liked it, then we really didn’t, and now we really do again. Irritating media twats aside, musical foreplay and animal death have proved to be very, very funny / excruciating, and the whole thing looks and sounds fantastic (especially if you watch the trailers on the website, which are self-contained mini-masterpieces all on their own). This week, Dan’s editor sends him out to play with some other boys, Nathan moves into the world of the music video, and Claire will be pulling that incredulous, open-mouthed, slightly disgusted expression that we really, really love. Several times, hopefully.
» Another guest Tanya tomorrow – we really are too good to you!

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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