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TANYA'S BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS

Ooh, weekend lowculture. We had so many great guest Tanyas to get through that we've had to start a weekend shift, and covering that today is Luke, who is a bit of a mystery to us, but is working on a fantastic new project for the website which will debut next week and will quite literally put the future of television in YOUR HANDS. In a not literal sense, of course. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» DIRTBALL! Brat Camp: What Happened Next?, E4, 9.00pm
Leaving aside the fact that this has already been on C4, we couldn't resist putting in this E4 repeat. For a start there could be no more Tanya-esque concept than getting a bunch of kids with clear behavioural issues and chucking them into the wilderness alone - we're sure that Tanya the uber-bitch must have had a hand in its genesis. Also (and here you may spot our true motive for putting this in the column) the posh bloke, James Fonfe, was quite fit.
» OVERALL! Acorn Antiques - The Musical, ITV1, 9.15pm
Despite the ludicrous ticket prices we're sure that the gays and the middle aged have been flocking to see this in London's glittering*West End, and with ITV not being folks to miss a trick they have given us this behind the scenes look at the production. Bear in mind though, that the man behind this play is none other than Trevor Nunn, who also began the neverending saga of Les Miserables in London. Is this reason enough not to watch? It might just be.
» JUDGEMENT CALL! X Rated: The Top 20 Most Controversial TV Programmes, E4, 10pm
This programme contains (in no particular order); puppets getting pregnant, school kids on heroin, a drunk footballer and bodies being cut up. We're sure it is all in the best possible taste, but even if it isn't then we'll be watching because they are going to interview Sarah Greene who was something of a legend at my Northern University. Caution: May also contain Jerry Springer: The Opera - this does not mean you are allowed to start a 50,000 strong campaign against lowculture. OK?
» FAILING TO ENTHRALL! Some Not Very Good Films, BBC1, 11.15pm; BBC2, 9.15pm; ITV1, 11.30pm; Channel 4, 9.15pm; FIVE, 10.50pm
In an apparent quirk of scheduling the five terrestrial broadcasters have managed to answer the eternal riddle - Is it possible for five films which star Helena Bonham Carter, Paul Bettany, Robert Redford, Daryl Hannah, Terrence Stamp, Meg Ryan, Russell Crowe, William Hurt, Kiefer Sutherland and Sylvester Stallone to all be a bit shit? If you don't want to know the answer then don't follow these two stars to the bottom of this column**.
*Where we say glittering we of course mean dirty.
** The answer is: Yes: Provided those films are Cliffhanger, The Heart Of Me, Legal Eagles, Proof of Life and Dark City.
» Join us tomorrow for our last guest Tanya!

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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