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Since Steve has packed off on holiday, we've asked US crap fan marknyc to fill you in on what is on television this evening. He was so eager to help that he forgot he doesn't actually live in the UK, but here's what you could be watching were you to find yourself on an American sofa this Sunday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» TOON! The Simpsons, Fox, 8pm
Lisa fights back at Bart's continuing torture and files for a restraining order that requires him to live in the back yard. The Simpsons are hit and miss these days, and after the disappointment of Springfield's experiment in same-sex marriage a few weeks back, we are hoping for a hit. Luckily, this episode does not raise expectations as high.
» SWOON! The Starlet, WB, syndicated
The endless piss stream of reality tv is now officially impossible to keep track of, but this episode features ten aspiring actresses attempting to act out a scene from Smallville. While the task may seem ludicrously easy, two of the ladies will be packing their bags, presumably for the UPN network where they will have no problem landing roles on Enterprise.
» OPPORTUNE! Arrested Development, Fox, 8.30pm
Arrested Development (FOX, 8:30pm): Oprah Winfrey has barged into our Sunday evening viewing and is pre-empting Desperate Housewives for her television epic Their Eyes Were Watching God, starring Halle Barry in some spiritual quest mumbo-jumbo. This gives us an opportunity to enjoy TWO episodes of the rather charming Arrested Development. Seinfeld's Julia Louis-Dreyfuss will be dropping in to cause love child confusion for Jason Bateman.
» LAMPOON! Embarrassing Moments, VH1, 8pm
Embarrassing Moments (VH1, 8pm): An hour exploring the new lows celebrities sunk to in 2004. Of course, most of these moments were probably at the bequest of VH1, who have taken the reality genre by storm. Stick around this evening for the new series of...
» COMMUNE! The Surreal Life, VH1, 9pm
Da Brat, Adrianne Curry, Christopher Knight ('Bobby Brady'), Joanie Laurer (formally known as the wrestler 'Chyna'), Marcus Schenkenberg, Verne Troyer and Go-Go Jane Wiedlin will be given the task of creating a kung-fu movie. We haven't been able to watch since the first episode in which Verne Troyer got drunk and rode his little cart through the halls of the house naked while urinating on the walls. If you still need more, stick around for...
» TOTAL LOON! Strange Love, VH1, 9.30pm
International reality queen Brigitte Nielson travels to Bronx to meet her lover Flavor Flav's family and get fitted for gold teeth.
» BALLOON! Celebrity Fit Club, VH1, 10pm
VH1 rounds out the evening with the US version of Celebrity Fit Club. This episode features the return of AWOL participant Daniel Baldwin (264 lbs) just in time for a tug-of-war battle involving such heavyweight names as Biz Markie (344 lbs) and Judge Mablean Ephriam from People's Court (208 lbs).
» HOPE IT'S OVER SOON! Sleeping With The Devil, Lifetime, 7pm
Finally, if a film is what you are after, you cannot go wrong with the Lifetime Network and their inspiring 'based on a true story' tales for the modern woman. This classic, from 1997, features Shannen Doherty struggling to flee her abusive boyfriend after he leaves her paralyzed and desperate to walk again. We have total faith in Shannen Doherty.
» Another guest Tanya tomorrow. How exciting!

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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