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EUROVISION – MAKING YOUR MIND UP is gripping the nation, like a particularly effective vice, and we know you're all just dying to know what we think about the remaining candidates. And, more pertinently, what Gigliola, Your Eurovision Expert, has to say. So let's stop fannying about and cut to the chase!

3. Flashback – Gina G
Coz I'm, footloose and I'm fancy free
So baby let me take you through my time machine
» WHO THE...? Gina Of The G really needs no introduction. She is already one of the UK's true Eurovision icons, and it's hard to blame her for thinking that the great British public might be hungry for "a little bit more" (ho ho).
» WHAT THE...? If this song had been released in 1998, it would have probably been a huge hit. But times have changed, and it will take more than a pleasant-but-straightforward disco stomper to make any kind of Eurovision impact. We reckon that Gina should have insisted that her second Eurovision song must be at least 500 times as good as Ooh Aah Just A Little Bit. This clearly isn't, so we're kind of left wondering what on earth the point of it all is.
» BET YOU NEVER KNEW... Back in the day, we were delighted to receive a Gina G chocolate bar in the post. The sweet treat was specially created to promote her debut album, Fresh. We would have shown you a picture of it, but unfortunately it has been eaten.
» GIGLIOLA, YOUR EUROVISION EXPERT, SAYS: Oh Gina! I cannot be bearing that you sully your reputation negotiated in previous glories in a desperate attempt to extend its fame of the Eurovisión by some years. You have danced on the grave of Ooh Aah Just A Little Bit.

4. Guardian Angel – Andy Scott-Lee
Would you believe that I could be your guardian angel
Do you believe that this is true
» WHO THE...? Andy is, of course, a member of the fabulous Scott-Lee showbiz dynasty, and his Eurovision entry is the latest in a very long line of "last chances at making it big" for the rather handsome Welsh boy. We reckon he is just two last chances away from gay porn, which is probably a far more exciting prospect for us than it is for him.
» WHAT THE...? This song was written by Blue's Lee Ryan, and it's painfully obvious. In fact, if you were to transport Andy back in time to the 1970s and put him on as a contestant on New Faces doing a Lee Ryan impression, he would win it hands down, assuming that the audience were prepared to accept that he sounded like a singer from the 21st century who had not yet been born.
» OBLIGATORY EUROVISION KEY CHANGE? No, but there's plenty of tricky vocal "business".
» SHOULD HAVE BEEN CALLED... I Really Want This - Why Don't You Like Me?
» BET YOU NEVER KNEW... If Andy Scott-Lee turned up here right now saying he wanted to experiment with his sexuality, we would be surprisingly supportive.
» GIGLIOLA, YOUR EUROVISION EXPERT, SAYS: Oh Babies! Let us obtain one straight thing. I admire men of the Eurovisión for their talents only in singing. This is the reason for which I can say that I did not want anything better than for that Andy Scott-Lee to accompany me to Kiev this year. Unfortunately, he would probably bring that slapper Michelle of Liberty X, so he would not even be permitted to obtain a quickie from me in the elevator of the hotel. The life is rough.

4. Not Just Anybody – Katie Price
Follow me follow me, breathe me in, swallow me
Fall with me into me
Fall with me into temptation ; a celebration
» WHO THE...? Little-known model Katie Price is a working mum-of-one who is engaged to a struggling singer-songwriter. She's got another bun in the oven, too. Fancy!
» WHAT THE...? Much to the surprise of pretty much everyone, this is one of the better songs in this year's selection. It's very "now" (unlike Gina G's song, which is very "then") and, even though the vocal is fucking dreadful, it has a slightly endearing quality. And the lyrics have plenty of references to slipping, sliding and swallowing – which are sure to appeal to Eurovision's staunchly heterosexual fan base.
» OBLIGATORY EUROVISION KEY CHANGE? No. There's barely one key, never mind two.
» SHOULD HAVE BEEN CALLED... Look At The Size Of My Tits.
» BET YOU NEVER KNEW... As a struggling young model, Katie once posed as a Page 3 girl for The Sun. Happily, nobody really noticed the pictures.
» GIGLIOLA, YOUR EUROVISION EXPERT, SAYS: Oh Babies! I am absolutely a fan of the Katie Price. I have heard she is heavy with the child, and nothing would enchant me more greatly than to see her waddle across the Eurovisión stage - and if the new baby is as great in size as the past one, she will have the stature of a medium-sized dwelling by then. ¡Ha!

» And that, as they say, is that. Chatter about matters of Eurovision importance at our messageboard. Or email Gigliola with your comments and queries.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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