Can you hear a strange creaking sound? That's Tanya Turner – she's inside your telly, cranking its lowculture sprocket up to Shit Factor 10 in readiness for the new series of Footballers Wives.
The last run ended in a frenzy of bumming, illegal fighting, drunken ladies and Frank making a spooky from-beyond-the-grave appearance to tell Tanya that he'd been sticking pins in her condoms so she was up the duff with a little Frank or Frankette.
In the intervening months, we had Tanya's memorable stint as a prisoner in Bad Girls to tide us over, but what we really need is an urgent dose of the ridiculous storylines, dodgy acting and gratuitous tits and arse that only FW can provide. And, by the look of the new plots, we will not be disappointed!
» Conrad, Darius and a new bloke get into a bit of bother after a roasting session goes horribly wrong – and we're not talking a bit of charred brisket here.
» Tanya swaps her baby with Amber's – with hilarious consequences.
» Hazel, our favourite TV lezza, enjoys a spot of fanny fun with a tennis pro, and...
» Noah gets a bit depressed cos everyone knows he likes it up the wrong 'un.
It all kicks off (kicks off! "kicks" off! geddit?) at the end of February.
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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses.
We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.