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Car crash TV

SMASH! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm

HollyoaksWe've got to hand it to Hollyoaks: as much as we bitch about the quality (or lack thereof) of its writing/acting/plotting, there remains something horribly compelling about it. There's always a reason for us to go back, even if we end up hating ourselves for it later.

Only people who have never watched television before would have been surprised by the events of last night's episode, wherein Ste crashed the car that he nicked, and now Pregnant Child is unconscious. This will, no doubt, cause uproar on the messageboards because if she loses the baby we'll have to come up with a new nickname (although as someone quite rightly pointed out a few weeks back, Swimbint is still called Swimbint despite not having been seen to any swimming for a very long time). As the only one who's aware of the foetus's existence, is Michaela going to spill Pregnant Child's terrible secret?

Speaking of Swimbint, elsewhere on tonight's show she invites Craig around to help her with an English essay. Clearly her intention is to get into his pants, but this is surely futile as everybody knows Craig and John Paul are bumming like nobody's business. The show just hasn't specifically mentioned it yet, 's all.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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