Friday, January 27, 2006
Disremembrance
LOWCULTURE is three years old this week, so we're having a brisk run-through of our best bits. As is often the way with us, we were too hungover yesterday to tell you about all the great stuff from 2004 as promised. But here it is now.
JANUARY 2004: We celebrated the birthday of Dame Shirley Bassey with an exhaustive LOWCULTURE FACT FRENZY devoted to the Welsh wonder. The best thing about our Fact Frenzies was that every other fact in them was made up, enabling us to claim that "Shirley has to don a full body brace beneath her fanciest stage outfit, because the sheer weight of all the sequins and feathers would otherwise cause her to fall on her arse."
FEBRUARY 2004: We got in a right lather over the return of FOOTBALLERS WIVES, which featured horses in fancy hats, roasting, nudity, people eating dogs and Conrad getting bummed by a strap-on-wielding Amber. Well what right-thinking person WOULDN'T get excited by that little lot?. It's coming back again soon, and LOWCULTURE's Steve has got his mitts on the preview tapes – find out what he thinks of it all very soon.
MARCH 2004: Pippa was back in HOME AND AWAY, which was certainly cause enough for celebration in its own right. What made her return extra-special for LOWCULTURE was that she had brought her little gay son to Summer Bay – leaving Irene living in fear that he would go on some kind of bumming rampage in the beach house. Happily this did not come to pass, and Chris spent his time in the bay fretting, being sensitive and getting on really well with all the girls. Hurrah for the gays!
APRIL 2004: One of our favourite TV shows ever, BBC3's LIQUID NEWS, came to an end. We still miss seeing Paddy O'Connell flirting outrageously with any attractive male guests, and Claudia Winkleman being utterly unable to get a word in edgeways. The BBC seem to have struggled to find something good for Paddy to be in ever since (we won't talk about Celebdaq or that weird news show they showed at 7pm), but Eurovision season is coming soon, so let's hope they find him something to do during that.
MAY 2004: Can you believe it? When Chrissie Watts first appeared in EASTENDERS we declared her "rubbish" and said we hoped Dirty Den was cheating on her because "we hate her". Yes, even your beloved LOWCULTURE gets it horribly, horribly wrong sometimes.
JUNE 2004: Excitement was starting to build about the return of DOCTOR WHO, as we reported that it was going to be great, and exploded with delight at the presence of Billie Piper on the cover of Doctor Who Magazine. It WAS great, and now Billie is on the cover of Doctor Who Magazine quite a lot, but it's still always a treat. 
JULY 2004: We made a rare sojourn to the world of politics to bring you the breathtaking news that RUSTIE LEE intended to stand for Parliament at the next general election. Well, the election came and went and we completely forgot to check if she had been true to her word. And it is our sad duty report that our girl only managed fifth place for the rabidly Europhobic UK Independence Party, polling 2.3% of the vote and getting 1,074 votes in total. Happily, she wasn't last – than honour went to Bert Priest, of the Monster Raving Loony party.
AUGUST 2004: Our brief infatuation with SU POLLARD reached its peak with a breathless run-down of her recent activities. How any of you survived without knowing she had recently been voted "campest woman in Britain", bought her trainers at Tammy, and quite fancied a ride off Duncan out of Blue, we will NEVER know.
SEPTEMBER 2004: Oh babies! Our Eurovision expert, GIGLIOLA, submitted one of her infrequent "comedy" dispatches from the frozen paradise of Iceland. She had travelled there to stalk Jonsi, a rather strapping Icelandic gentleman who had represented his country at that year's Eurovision Song Contest. We don't know quite where Gigliola is now or what she is doing (probably giving hand-jobs for cigarettes in a Ukranian prison camp), but don't bet against her being back in time for this year's UK heats.
OCTOBER 2004: Hmm, that's peculiar – October 2004 was ALSO a pretty rubbish month for LOWCULTURE, just like in 2003. The only thing we managed to get remotely worked up about was the fact that Heinz had changed the spelling of the word Beans to the slightly ridiculous (and completely WRONG) BEANZ. What a fiasco all round.
NOVEMBER 2004: Hilariously, LOWCULTURE's Paul managed to get impetigo after getting the face scratched off him by a fit Australian bloke with razor wire for stubble, and had to spend a whole weekend in solitary confinement with only the telly for company. His pain was eased considerably by the appearance of Mark out of now-defunct boyband V on the Smash Hits Poll Winners Party, which was a minor triumph in the face of great adversity.
DECEMBER 2004: The LOWCULTURE team were in a thoughtful mood at the end of another year. Specifically, they were thinking "fucking hell, that new son of Mike Baldwin's is a bit of all right". And they were right to think it, because he definitely is (until he opens his mouth, at least).
» Right, that'll be 2004 then. We're not going to do anything as rash as promise you 2005 tomorrow, because there's the pub to go to and stuff, but the final part of this bumper highlights "package" will be along "shortly".
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2 Comments:
is it true? about rustie, i mean. i don't recall anything about it, but i'd like to think that's cos i was so young at the time. according to wiki, our rustie left tv-am in a cloud of allegations about product placement for a well-know brand of table salt.
now it may just be me, but this sounds more like the kind of thing that lowculture might make up and submit to wiki than anything that actually happened...
By 
, at
10:47 am
And while we're clearing up ridiculous urban myths, can Lowculture confirm or deny the accusation made by my boss this week that Andy the very crap iceskating man Peters slept with one of Take That??
By , at
11:51 am
