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All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Wednesday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» SPRUCE! The British Soap Awards, ITV1, 8.00pm
We love a glamorous award ceremony - but we'll settle for the British Soap Awards. Thank you! We'll be here all week. Try the fish, it's delicious. Anyway, all of the stars of the suds will be present hoping to walk home with a gong or two - EastEnders probably hoping so more than most, given the year they've had. The results have all been in the papers already, but we shan't spoil it for those of you who don't know yet. We're too busy earning points trying to tell the Hollyoaks blondes apart.
» TRUCE! Desperate Housewives, Channel 4, 10.00pm
Remember Mrs McCluskey? No, not the headmistress from Grange Hill, Lynette's elderly and somewhat cranky neighbour from a few episodes back. The one whose clock Lynette's kids stole, and the one to whom Lynette didn't apologise for throwing an egg in her face. But we digress. She's back this week, and in need of a friend. Guess who turns out to be that friend? Yup, Lynette. Better late than never, Lynette. We salute you. Elsewhere on Wisteria Lane, Sophie continues to make her presence known by trying to organise Susan's love life (couldn't she try something simpler, like brokering peace in the Middle East?), Gabrielle continues to let John hoe her garden, and Bree tries to de-gay Andrew. If she succeeds, we want first dibs on being Justin's rebound fling.
» LOOSE! 101 Best Kept Hollywood Secrets, Five, 11.20pm
Despite their alluring titles, these shows have a habit of disappointing us. We're willing to bet that we already know at least 46 of the secrets this show is destined to reveal, but if you've already finished Heat, Reveal, Closer, OK!, Hello!, Hot Stars and Now and your appetite for celebrity gossip still is not quenched (dear Lord, you terrify us), then this should be right up your street.
» Is there something we've missed? Click on the comment link to share your tips.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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