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TANYA'S BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS

All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Monday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» RISE! Vic and Bob in Catterick, BBC2, 10.00pm
Right, we're going to come clean from the off here - we're recommending this without having seen its initial airing on BBC3, so to be perfectly honest, we've got no idea whatsoever whether it's any good. Nope. Not one. Sorry. Even the reviews we've heard from other people have been "mixed", so we're not going to fall on any particular side of the line, other than just drawing your attention to the fact that it's on. The facts as we know them: it's "postmodern". It's got Vic and Bob in it. This episode also features Matt Lucas and a host of other guest stars. So, we take no responsibility if it's actually a bit guff, but we will, of course, take all the credit if you love it. No, no, you're welcome.
» FLIES! The Farm, Five, 10.30pm
It's back - did we miss the whistles and bells? Considering the first series was a decent-sized hit for Five, we'd expected slightly more of a fanfare for the return of the rural reality show. We have absolutely no idea who the celebrities will be this time around (gosh, we're just a mine of information today, aren't we?), but we can confirm that this time, hosting duties are being taken by Colin and Justin, the camp design experts who apparently no longer need surnames. We're aware that they tend to split opinion quite violently between love, hate and total indifference, so if they're not to your taste, we did warn you. We're nice like that.
» SPIES! Alias, Five, 12.35am
Is there any hope whatsoever of Alias actually getting a decent slot on terrestrial TV in the UK? It gets aired in a nice prime 9pm slot on Bravo, but only merits showing after midnight on Five, apparently. Just to put things into perspective, this starts an hour after a repeat of Joey. That's right, an hour after a repeat. Of Joey. Why? Anyway, those of you with video recorders or insomniac tendencies, be sure to tune in tonight, when Lauren (Melissa George of Home and Away fame) and Vaughn break up, just in time for a family tragedy of the sort that Alias does in its own inimitable style.
» Is there something we've missed? Click on the comment link to share your tips.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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