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TANYA'S BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS

All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Wednesday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» PIONEER! Doctors, BBC1, 2.05pm
For those of us who read a lot of TV criticism and subscribe to the theory that a critic is someone who knows the way but can't drive the car, here's a chance to test that theory: today's episode is written by Guardian TV critic Rupert Smith. It's a bit of a shame, because we quite like Rupert Smith and therefore don't have a crashing desire for him to fail like we might with a lot of other critics. That aside, we like how he cheerful admits to having ripped off the plot of To Die For (the Nicole Kidman one, not the gay version of Ghost) with a story of a TV weathergirl desperate for celebrity. Candice from Coronation Street would do well to tune in.
» CAREER! The Apprentice: The Final, BBC2, 9.00pm
This is it, then: all of those nailbiting hours of TV have reduced the contestants down to two people: Saira and Tim. Only one of them can leave with a contract to work for Sir Alan Sugar (and presumably as many of those Amstrad e-mail phones as they can carry), and there's everything to play for, as they say. Those of you who've been watching will no doubt have made up your minds already who you want to win (we're wondering if anyone is actually rooting for Saira, since she really doesn't seem that popular). The final task is to organise a boat party on the Thames - perhaps not the trickiest of tasks, but not one we'd like to attempt single-handedly. A special episode, You're Hired!, follows at 10pm for those of you who can't get enough.
» AUSTERE! Desperate Housewives, Channel 4, 10.00pm
As we hurtle towards the end of the first season (we're almost caught up with the US right now), it's time for some plot resolution - prepare yourself to find out the true identity of Dana, for starters. Elsewhere, Susan's equally kooky mother drops by to stay indefinitely, and we really wouldn't want to be poor Julie at this point; Bree is left to babysit Lynette's children, and Lynette is horrified to discover that Bree ended up spanking one of them (we bet Rex was jealous, too). Carlos quite literally strongarms Gabrielle into signing a post-nuptial agreement, so she heads off for a little agreement of her own with a certain gardener, and Bree prepares to visit Andrew at the Rehabilitation Camp For Pot-Smoking Not At All Gay Hit-And-Run Drivers, but isn't entirely prepared for his latest revelation. Still, at least she's still got one child who isn't evil yet, right?

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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