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All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Wednesday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» END! Coronation Street, ITV1, 7.30 & 10.00pm
Two episodes? On a Wednesday? Oh yes. Kay-eh Harris, the diabetic murderer (in the sense that she is a murderer who is diabetic, not that she murders diabetics, although since she recently tried to kill herself, we suppose she could be both) finally loses her fight for life tonight, right around the same time that Gothy Craig (who, we noticed recently, is the only member of the Harris family who actually sounds the "t" in "Katy", and is therefore clearly also not long for this world - people with good diction don't survive for long in soap operas) and her grandfather turn up to ask her why she battered her father with a wrench. Katy, having cunningly realised that this question was not part of an elaborate game of "death is not an option", decides to expire rather than provide an answer. Sensible girl.
» SPEND! The Apprentice, BBC2, 9.00pm
We've had no end of grief in the comment box these past few weeks for not singling out this show in the blonde highlights (we're not sure why - considering the frenzied enthusiasm being generated for it on the lowculture messageboards, you all seem to be remembering to tune in regardless of whether we remind you to watch it or not), so here we are making amends. This week, the five remaining candidates have to flog their wares on a home shopping channel. We hope they remember to have some expensive dental work and buy a really shiny suit beforehand. Oh, and a partial lobotomy might be an advantage, too.
» DEFEND! Desperate Housewives, Channel 4, 10.00pm
Carlos and Gabrielle are in the shit tonight - no, we really mean it. Sewage starts backing up into their house, and they haven't got the money to fix it, so Gabrielle does her laundry in the jacuzzi and pops round to Bree's for a pee instead. Bree has enough problems of her own, though, since local dominatrix Maisy Gibbons has been arrested for soliciting and Rex's status as one of her regular customers is soon to be revealed to all and sundry, thus causing further cracks in the Van De Kamp's life of "perfection" (cracks that will no doubt be extended when Andrew reveals that he's a great big gay, but absolutely nothing is done with that plot this week). Meanwhile, Lynette straps on her bitch and tackles Jane from Popular when the latter frames Lynette's kids for an outbreak of headlice at school, and our new second-favourite character Edie decides to take Susan out on the town to stop her moping, where they hit on the ingenious idea of breaking into Paul Young's house to look for more clues on the Dana/Mary Alice mystery. Needless to say, that all goes according to plan, except for all the parts where it totally doesn't.
» Is there something we've missed? Click on the comment link to share your tips.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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