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TANYA'S BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS

All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Monday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» PEST! EastEnders, BBC1, 8.00pm
Trumpets and fanfares at the ready, perhaps, for the return of a say "much-loved" character. And if you're wondering why we used those sarcastic looking quotation marks around the much-loved part, well, that's because it's a character we weren't missing in the slightest: Phil Mitchell, ladies and gentlemen. Hoping, no doubt, to rescue EastEnders from the doldrums it finds itself in these days, but returning for a limited time only. No doubt he'll be a little miffed to discover that all of his businesses and properties now belong to someone else (although having left Stupid Sam in charge, we have no sympathy for him whatsoever), and of course he'll solve all of these problems in a nice, logical fashion, having discussions and offering to buy them back. Or possibly just by threatening to beat the shit out of people until he gets his way. Yep, we really missed him.
» STRESSED! Hell's Kitchen, ITV1, 9.00pm
Two things that really made the last series must-watch television: a bunch of D-list celebrities getting all hot and bothered (literally) in the pressured environment of a busy kitchen, and Gordon Ramsay losing his shit approximately every four seconds. It will be interesting, then, to see how this follow-up performs considering both of those factors have been removed: the celebrities have been replaced by members of the public, and Gordon Ramsay has been replaced by Gary Rhodes and Jean-Christophe Novelli. We're not committing ourselves to saying whether it will work or not, but there's sure to be tears over the chunky chips, and few can resist such televised sorrow.
» GUEST! ER, Channel 4, 10.00pm
People still having withdrawal symptoms from Sex And The City might want to get a life. Sorry, that should be "might want to watch this tonight", since Cynthia Nixon is guesting as a woman suffering from a stroke (there are a dozen puns we could make here about the sort of strokes she was getting in SatC, but we'll spare you). The lovely Dr Luka battles in a manly fashion to save her from the potentially fatal aftereffects, and since Cynthia Nixon played the only likeable character in Sex And The City, we'll be rooting for him. If it had been Sarah Jessica Parker, however...
» Is there something we've missed? Click on the comment link to share your tips.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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