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TANYA'S BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS

All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Wednesday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» THUMBING! Relocation, Relocation, Channel 4, 8.00pm
We're still recovering from the excitement of having Sarah Beeny back on our screens, but it seems that Channel 4 want to put us back into permanent "squeeee!" mode, so they've brought back Phil and Kirstie instead. We could tell you about the people they're attempting to rehouse tonight, but let's be honest, that's immaterial. We'll just be watching because we love everything Kirstie wears and we want her to take us shopping.
» BECOMING! Scrubs, E4, 9.00pm
We wondered quite what E4 were planning to use to fill the heavily-advertised "9 Thing" slot on a Wednesday following the demise of Point Pleasant, but it seems to have worked out rather well - Scrubs is back! It doesn't seem as though much has changed on the wards, bar a few things: JD is on his last week as a medical student and is no doubt looking forward to flaunting his qualified-doctor status around. Well, it would get us into bed, anyway. We'll be tuning in for a guest appearance from Heather Graham as the superbly-named Dr Molly Clock.
» BUMMING! Desperate Housewives, Channel 4, 10.00pm
If you've been absent from Wisteria Lane in recent weeks, this is the time to get back into the thick of things, as the shit is totally hitting the fan right now. Lynette continues to rub us up the wrong way by sabotaging her husband's promotion, the magnificent Bree is horrified that Danielle is hoping to be deflowered by Hot John The Gardener, her friend from the Abstinence Club. Meanwhile, Hot John's roommate Hot Justin Who Also Gardens (seriously, we're amazed their apartment doesn't combust with all the hotness) tries to blackmail Gabrielle into sleeping with him, although not for the reason you might expect (in other words, he's totally gay and wants her to straighten him out), and it's a big week for Susan as she makes two startling discoveries - one concerning Mike's past, and the other concerning Andrew Van De Kamp. Seriously, don't miss it.
» Is there something we've missed? Click on the comment link to share your tips.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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