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All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Thursday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» THONGS! Footballers' Wives, ITV1, 9.00pm
We're only recommending two shows tonight, but since Footballers' Wives is the only TV show you should ever need, we don't want any complaining from the back, okay? After last week's stunning opening episode, Amber is in mourning for the loss of baby Pandarik, not knowing that it was in fact Tanya's baby that was indelicately suffocated by the dog, but possibly starting to smell a rat. Meanwhile, Roger and Jackie tie the knot, Harley has a confession for Shannon and we're very interested to see what happens in the storyline with Noah trying to cure his homosexuality.
» SONGS! French And Saunders: I Can't Believe It's Music, BBC1, 9.30pm
This sounds like a very sensible idea, since a lot of people tend to consider the sketches on French and Saunders to be the annoying bits that get in the way of the music spoofs. Tonight we can look forward to the joys of Dawn as Alanis Morrissette, and a return to the halcyon days of Lananeeneenoonoo, who have earned a place in pop history (and our hearts, forever) for their duet with Bananarama for Comic Relief. Now that's what we call music, etc.
» Is there something we've missed? Click on the comment link to share your tips.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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