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If you're watching BBC 1 on Saturday night at 5.45pm and you don't manage to switch over to Stars In Their Eyes quickly enough, you will find yourselves in the thick of EUROVISION – MAKING YOUR MIND UP.
After last year's fiasco with James Fox, some of you may remember lowculture speculating that, if the UK really wanted to win the Eurovision Song Contest, they should "just pick a decent song and send a young woman in a leather bra to sing it". Have the selection panel heeded our advice? And does Gigliola, Your Eurovision Expert, agree with them? Let's find out...

1. Touch My Fire – Javine
Are you easy come and easy go woooh
Come on let the music grab ya from your head to your toes
No need to rush take it nice and slow feel that beat
» WHO THE...? Javine first came to our attention as the girl who was robbed of a place in Girls Aloud when the great British public voted for Cheryl Tweedy on the basis that Chez was a bit rubbish at singing live and everyone felt sorry for her. Our Jav picked herself up, dusted herself down, and proceeded to release a series of really very good singles, but she never quite captured the imagination.
» WHAT THE...? Touch My Fire is one of the best offerings in this year's heats – one of those songs that pretends it's about dancing when it's probably really about rumpo. It's obviously influenced by Sertab's Eurovision winner from two years ago, and it's quite odd to hear Javine singing something so different from her usual style, but we reckon she can pull it off on the night.
» SHOULD HAVE BEEN CALLED... Patta Patta My La La Lulu
» BET YOU NEVER KNEW... Javine loves a good wig, so she and Terry Wogan should get on famously.
» GIGLIOLA, YOUR EUROVISION EXPERT, SAYS: Oh babies! I am absolutely making a fan of the Javine, even if it has the long legs of giraffe. If her voice is strong and skirt is short then she must do well - although truth is sad but the tits of Jordan will be always bigger.

2. Brand New Day – Tricolore
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child
We'd see the dawn of a brand new day
This is the dawn of a brand new day
» WHO THE...? Your mum will go fucking nuts for this lot. Jem, Stuart and Scott have performed alongside such notables as Sting, the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra and ... oh, who cares, eh? Life's too short to spend any of it thinking about a bunch of Il Divo wannabes.
» WHAT THE...? No Eurovision Song Contest is complete without some kind of dreary ballad about how the world is rubbish and how we should all stop being so mean and think of the children. Well, we ARE thinking of the children, and the fact that some of them might accidentally listen to this rubbish. Like the sound of Andrew Lloyd Webber fucking Walt Disney up the arse. In hell.
» SHOULD HAVE BEEN CALLED... Ooh Ooh The Children.
» BET YOU NEVER KNEW... Tricolore once entertained John Major, the former Prime Minister.
» GIGLIOLA, YOUR EUROVISION EXPERT, SAYS: These mens are strapping great and seem absolutely magnificent, and it would satisfy me to visit them in their rooms of preparation before the singing and to animate them orally. Some people can say that they seem dull, but I stick the tongue out and blow a raspberry to them.

» More acts tomorrow. Chatter about matters of Eurovision importance at our messageboard. Or email Gigliola with your comments and queries. And catch Eurovision – Making Your Mind Up on BBC1 this Saturday at 5.45pm.

By Paul :: Post link :: ::  
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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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