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All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Friday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» LEAN! Die Another Day, ITV1, 8.30pm
We normally steer clear of recommending movies if we can avoid it, since it seems a bit of a cop-out, and such is the appalling condition of tonight's TV that we're actually recommending two. First up is the latest James Bond movie, with a cameo from Madonna as a fencing instructor, and a larger appearance from Halle Berry which led us wondering if her Academy Award might just have been a bit of a fluke, as uncharitable as that sounds.
» MEAN! Cruel Intentions, E4, 9.00pm
Our second movie of the night (you'll need to do some extremely cunning channel-switching if you're planning to watch both without the assistance of a video) sees Sarah Michelle Gellar go from vampire slayer to vamp, in what we like to refer to as Dangerous Liaisons Juniors. Spare a though for poor Selma Blair, who spends so much of this film falling off various pieces of furniture, she must have been black and blue by the wrap party.
» SPLEEN! Grumpy Old Women, BBC2, 10.00pm
Never let it be said that the Beeb is not entirely in favour of equality, so here's a chance for the ladies to prove that they can be just as cantankerous in their old age as the blokes. There's a fantastic line-up here, including Arabella Weir, Annette Crosbie and Germaine Greer, so this should be worth a look.
» Is there something we've missed? Click on the comment link to share your tips.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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