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TANYA'S BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS

All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Wednesday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» TRASH! Jordan Gets Even, five, 10.00pm
Sadly this isn't a radical documentary where Katie Price finally does us all a favour and flattens her chest completely, but rather another of those extremely tired shows where a celebrity puts a ton of putty on their face and dons a comedy wig in an attempt to fool their friends and loved ones that they are someone else. The unique selling point, if you're still reading, is that one of the loved ones in this show will, of course, be Peter Andre. Wait, no, come back, etc...
» SMASH! Desperate Housewives, Channel 4, 10.00pm
This was a massive ratings success for Channel 4 last week, and deservedly so, because it's ace. We've all got questions that we want answered after watching the pilot: will Susan get Eligible Mike before slutty Edie does? What exactly is Eligible Mike doing in Wisteria Lane (because if he's not a secret agent of some kind, then we're Jennifer Ellison)? Will there be a nudge-nudge wink-wink scene between Melrose Place alumni Marcia Cross and Doug Savant, perhaps alluding to one of the times she tried to kill him? How long before Lynette's kids drive her over the edge? Is Bree a robot? Exactly how much sympathy are we supposed to feel for annoying spoilt Gabrielle? And just what was Mary Alice The Spirit Guide's horrible secret? We don't know if any of those answers are likely to be revealed tonight, but it'll be fun nonetheless.
» FLASH! Paparazzi, BBC One, 10.35pm
Follow the press photographers as they in turn follow Victoria Beckham to Verbier and Madonna into the English countryside. There's something very creepy about the premise for this show, but we haven't figured out exactly what yet.
» Is there something we've missed? Click on the comment link to share your tips.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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