Tuesday, January 11, 2005
FEAST OF FAME
Last night's dinner round at Casa lowculture was a pleasant but fairly pedestrian affair, eaten off a tray, with only a double episode of Coronation Street for entertainment.
On nights such as these, it's difficult not to dream of a more glamorous life, in which celebrity friends appear at the door with a cheeky Asti Spumanti, ready to share HILARIOUS showbiz tales.
Sounds divine, doesn't it? And you – yes, you! – can actually make this blissful dream a reality, because celebrity friends are now available on the internet. For hire!
Supper With The Stars is a visionary new service which will deliver the cream of Britain's showbiz scene direct to your dinner party.
"Imagine," teases their website, "having your favourite friends round for dinner. What would really make your party go with a bang?" A firework through the letterbox? A faulty gas oven? No!
"All your guests have arrived, now imagine their surprise when a top TV personality walks in and joins the party! After their jaws have stopped dropping in amazement, your guests will be enchanted by anecdotes and the wit and charm only a professional entertainer can bring."
Well! While this may sound like a vision of perfection there is, as always, a catch.
For a start, your chosen "top TV personality" will be expecting to trouser up to five grand of your hard-earned. With a list of celebs that includes Syd Little, Stan Boardman and Gordon Banks, it's fair enough to pay a premium. But there are still more complications!
For example, you can fork out to have The Pasadenas round for a mixed grill, and they will chatter away for not one second more than an hour and a half about the music scene. But if you're expecting them to belt out a quick chorus of "I'm Doing Fine Now", then you can jolly well get fucked! "The band," warn the organisers, "will not perform any of their hits". Swizz!
And there's more! (As Jimmy Cricket would say – as long as you paid his fee upfront and covered his travel costs seperately).
» You can get Keith Harris for buttons, but it's EXTRA for Orville!
» Stu Francis demands a BUNCH OF GRAPES as his showbiz "rider" – which he will simply crush!
» Nookie Bear's fame has GONE TO HIS HEAD to such an extent that he is no longer happy to perch on Roger De Courcey's lap – he requires his own place setting!
» Neil and Christine Hamilton are happy to visit your home, but one of them suffers from a DEADLY NUT ALLERGY – and the website doesn't reveal which. Imagine the hilarity!
Still, we quite fancy treating Malandra Burrows – aka Kathy out of Emmerdale – to fish fingers, beans and waffles. The website says she likes nothing better than an after-dinner sing-song, opening up the tantalising possibility of her singing Just This Side Of Love in our front room. That's worth five grand (plus expenses) of anyone's money.