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All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Thursday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» TOUGH TITS! EastEnders, BBC One, 7.30pm
There's almost nothing worth highlighting on telly tonight, so we're forced to point you in the direction of EastEnders against our better judgement. Tonight Alfie "What About, What About, What About Us?" Moon reaches the end of his tether with wife "Because We Want To" Kat. Meanwhile, Demi "I Don't Need No Good Advice" Miller goes into labour in the playground, and the producers expect us to care, but she's only been in the show for five minutes, so really no one give's a rat's ass. And because karma is a bitch, who's Demi's only comfort in her hour of need? Why, Pauline "What A Girl Wants, What A Girl Needs" Fowler, of course.
» BLONDE BITS! Fat Nation On Three, BBC Three, 9.00pm
Since the papers keep reminding us that BBC Three has a programme budget of £23 squillion (or thereabouts), we wonder where on earth it's going when the best quality guest they can afford for tonight's show is Terri Dwyer. Yawn.
» POST ITS! Romy & Michele's High School Reunion, five, 10.00pm
Officially the best thing on telly tonight by a country mile, and not just because there's no competition. Lisa Kudrow and Mira Sorvino star in this tops spin-off from a theatrical production featuring two Californian party girls who make up impressive lives for their high school reunion. They may not have invented Post Its, but they're still worth two hours of your company tonight. Janeane Garofalo steals every scene she’s in, of course, and the film is worth watching for the line "I hope your babies look like monkeys" alone.
» Is there something we've missed? Click on the comment link to share your tips.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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