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All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Wednesday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» SUCKY! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm
To the surprise of precisely no-one who's ever watched television before, the "hunky" chap Lisa was swooning over in the Student Union turns out to be her lecturer. No one does a hilarious mix-up better than Hollyoaks, do they? Except maybe Dawson's Creek. And As If. And Grange Hill. And Byker Grove. And The O.C. And...well, you get the point. This show is predictable, awful and tasteless, but for some reason we can't quite tear our eyes away. It's the television equivalent of your neighbours having a slanging match in the street.
» MUCKY! The Bill, ITV1, 8.00pm
One of the things we love about The Bill is their ability to keep a good story going. So, despite Kerry's untimely death at the hands of an anonymous (except for the fact that we know it was Gabriel) sniper last week, the impact of her not-terribly-intelligent actions prior to her murder continues to spread throughout the station. Turns out Kerry may have been leaking stories to the press, which sounds like a matter of some concern for undercover journalist PC Dunbar, while PC Gabriel "Not A Single Redeeming Feature" Kent somehow manages to swing compassionate leave to help him cope with the trauma - the swine!
» UNLUCKY! dinnerladies, UKTV Gold, 9.00pm
Victoria Wood's canteen sitcom continues to stand up admirably to repeated viewing. There's a stir in the canteen tonight that is not related to the soup or the gravy, as the ladies don't take to Anita's replacement Christine - or at least, the ladies with the exception of Dolly. Meanwhile Petula's increasingly surreal life catches up with her as a social worker suggests she move in with Bren. Pretend you haven't seen it before and sit down with a cup of tea and a digestive biscuit to enjoy the idiosyncratic ramblings.
» Is there something we've missed? Click on the comment link to share your tips.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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