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All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Friday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» IDIOTIC! Rosemary and Thyme, ITV1, 9.00pm
This is yet another one of those programmes (like Monarch of the Glen and The House of Elliott before it) that is impossible to take seriously after you've seen the French & Saunders take-off. It's still hilariously brain-free fun, mind. This week in the "lesbian gardening detective series", Rosemary and Laura investigate the murder of the geography master at a prestigious prep school. We know there's a shortage of challenging parts for women of a certain age, but does Felicity Kendal need to pay her bills this badly?
» EROTIC! Green Wing, Channel 4, 9.30pm
The internet slashers are flocking to Green Wing with alarming speed, and from tonight's episode it's not hard to see why. The hospital stages a charity slave auction, and the hormonally-charged staff members are all determined to win the object of their respective desires. Joanna pulls out all the stops to land the man of her dreams, while Sue White fails to win Mac and has to settle for Guy in a ginger wig. No word, however, on whether Dr Statham finally admits his true feelings and starts bidding for Boyce.
» PSYCHOTIC! Urban Legend, E4, 10.00pm
Okay, we're including this in our Tanya's blonde highlights for the day, but don't get the wrong idea; it's not a particularly good film. It's one of the less successful examples of the late-90s knowingly-arch slasher movie flood, and generally wastes the talents of Alicia Witt and Joshua Jackson. So why are we recommending it? Because the opening ten minutes feature possibly the most inspired use of soundtrack-as-commentary we've ever seen. Watch the beginning, then put Green Wing back on.
» Is there something we've missed? Click on the comment link to share your tips.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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