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TANYA'S BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS

All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Tuesday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» HITCHING! Emmerdale, ITV1, 7.00pm
We love a soap wedding, although frankly we begin to wonder why they bother, since the ceremony is usually interrupted by a stranger from the past and the divorce lawyers are filing their expenses within two months. Hold on, is that soap weddings, or is that just Britney Spears' weddings? Jack and Diane probably don't read lowculture though (plebeians) because they're ignoring our advice and getting hitched anyway. Following Val's revelation to Diane yesterday that Rodney is the father of Paul The Drag Queen With The Annoying Inflection, you'd think there were no more secrets to reveal. But what is it they say about "out of the mouths of babes"?
» ITCHING! Too Posh To Wash, Channel 4, 8.30pm
Bleurgh - having exhausted their supply of filthy houses to makeover, Kim and Aggie (gay icons, yes? Good) turn their attention to people with suspect personal hygiene. And when we say "suspect", we mean "really fucking disgusting". For your delectation: people who sleep in their clothes, pick their nose and put the quarry in their pockets, and people who soak their contact lenses in bacteria-infested water. Well, if we never had a shower and seldom brushed our teeth, we'd take extensive measures not to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror too.
» PITCHING! Going Straight, Channel 4, 9.00pm
Another fly-on-the-wall documentary in which Channel 4 take six scene queens, ban them from going to Heaven for six weeks and make them go to football matches and perform DIY instead. [Brief pause while we field a call from Channel 4's press department.] Oh. Apparently we got that a bit muddled. It's actually six ex-criminals trying to make a go of their post-release lives by working together to run a flower shop. Still sounds pretty gay to us, mind.
» Is there something we've missed? Click on the comment link to share your tips.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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