Sunday, May 25, 2003
Null and void
So that was Eurovision, then. The UK got absolutely fucking nowhere, and some Turkish bird belly-danced off with the prize.
We feel we can summarise the contest in just 26 words – one for each of the competing countries:
Shiny! (Iceland) Bonkers! (Austria) Emotional! (Ireland) Screechy! (Turkey) Jangly! (Malta) Scary! (Bosnia) Earnest! (Portugal) Twisty! (Croatia) Smouldering! (Cyprus) Tweenies! (Germany) Lazy! (Russia) Rubbish (Spain) Fancy! (Israel) Thighs! (Netherlands) Nooooooooooooooo! (UK) Contorted! (Ukraine) Busty! (Greece) Aaaw! (Norway) Serious! (France) Gravel! (Poland) Jaunty! (Latvia) Piping! (Belgium) Ugly! (Estonia) Bangin'! (Romania) Glittering! (Sweden) Cerise! (Slovenia)
Our favourite things were, in no particular order:
» Terry Wogan describing the contest as being 'as mad as a bucket of frogs'
» The moment we realised that Gemma Jemini was singing a completely different tune from everyone else.
» Germany's singer, who was a bit like a teutonic Nicki French.
» Ireland's Mickey Hart, who was so overcome with emotion he was seen wiping a tear from his eye.
» The 'no no no no' bit in the Turkish song, which is surely the best 'no no no no' in pop since Celine's Think Twice.
» The Ukraine's song made us want a Cornetto.
» People in Europe clearly have a different idea of what singing in key is supposed to mean.
» We now fancy the Estonian contestants – even the girl. Their song was our favourite but, as with everything we ever support, it did spectacularly badly.
» Lorraine Kelly's Liquid Eurovision special was an absolute triumph, and Lorraine herself should be elevated to sainthood immediately. It had everything – Joe Mace and his questionable hairline, Jessica Garlic, scary Eurovision fact man Liam... and, last but not least, the revelation that Lionel Blair is the sinister overlord of the UK's shadow Eurovision jury, which exists in case the phone vote goes tits up.
The last word, however, must go to Austrian entry Alf, who was interviewed on Liquid Eurovision at the aftershow party, and was keen to express his displeasure at the outcome:
"Sixth?!? ME?!? Sixth? FUCK the contest!"