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The art of war

BUSINESS! The Apprentice, BBC1, 9.00pm

The ApprenticeOkay, so we're five firings into the new series; what better time for a quick reappraisal of how everyone's doing so far in the race to be Britain's Next Top Business Mogul? Let's see what we've learned about everyone so far, and how likely they are to win. Assuming that we know anything about it, of course, which given how last week's firing took us by surprise, is not something that should really be assumed.

Simon appears to be the quietly competent type, who doesn't create an awful lot of fuss. He also wanders around the house in impossibly tiny briefs, which is a rare quality not to be underestimated. We wouldn't be surprised to see him in the final, if he doesn't get distracted by giraffes again. Ghazal has one win as PM under her belt, but that rather appears to have happened in spite of her rather than because of her. She does a reasonably good job of getting on with her colleagues, but doesn't appear to handle pressure well. Tre is a pottymouth, and appears to view everyone else with something approaching contempt. As a general rule we applaud such behaviour, but it might come back to bite him in the arse if he's not careful.

Paul is still something of an unknown quantity. The fact that he was apparently born with an entire set of sterling silver cutlery in his mouth probably bodes ill for his chances of winning, because Sralan doesn't like toffs, or something. Kristina is another one who seems to be flying under the radar - she's not drawing attention for anything good or bad, so we wouldn't rule her out yet. Katie is probably our pick of the women in terms of the one likely to get the furthest, because she puts herself forward a lot (we'll leave it to others to make the "puts herself out" joke) and generally had quite good ideas, even if she's also too probably too posh to win. Adam is tedious and ineffectual as a project manager, and was frankly incredibly lucky not to get fired last week.

Jadine is still our favourite. Her spasms of joy at the prospect of marketing "Eclipse Clips" in episode two is one of our highlights of the series so far. We feel she's unfairly highlighted as a troublemaker. But she's not going to win. Lohit is kind of awesome. He's another person who is quietly competent without attracting much attention, but his inspired marketing of the Instant Diabetes Lollipops last week shows lots of potential. Naomi is someone we don't like, because she picked on Jadine. We don't need a better reason. And finally we quite like Natalie, if only because she clearly dislikes Adam as much as we do. Again: no better reason needed.

So, there we have it. And we're still none the wiser as to who'll go the distance. Who could've predicted that, eh? Anyway, this week's task is all about selling art photographs in a trendy gallery. The art tasks are usually good value, and with any luck some of the quiet ones might step it up a bit this week. Or failing that, two of the more antagonistic contestants might actually kill each other. It's a win/win for the viewers, hopefully.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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