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Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?

HOLIDAY! EastEnders, BBC1, 7.30pm

EastEndersThis week the Wicks family are on holiday in Dorset. Er, in December? We hope they packed their thermal undies. Seriously: if you're taking a winter holiday, you go somewhere nice and warm. Dorset is lovely, but we're not so sure about how warm it is in December. Anyway, that is not the issue. See, invariably in soapland when you stray out of your regular confines, something tumultous happens. This time is no exception: Kevin's wife Shirley is on the loose.

It's not that we give two shits about the Wickses or EastEnders in general really, but Shirley is played by Linda Henry of Bad Girls and Beautiful Thing fame, and we bow before her awesomeness. She's trying to find a way to sneak back into her kids' lives, so she happens upon Deano and Carly and offers them a lift. Deano and Carly are both thick as two short planks and have never been told not to accept lifts from strangers, so they do. How long has Shirley been estranged from them, anyway? It'd better be a damn long time if they don't even recognise her.

Also in this episode: Kevin tells Denise that he loves her, because Denise and her family have tagged along on the holiday. Sounds cosy. Might not be the best time to make this all about you though, Kev, since Denise has just found out Patrick isn't really her father and everything. Sucks to be Denise right now, really.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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