Thursday, February 23, 2006
Perfect pitch
BUTTOCKS! Footballers' Wives, ITV1, 9.00pm
It's back! Hurrah! The very reason for this site's existence is on our screens once again and we couldn't be happier. While LOWCULTURE figurehead Tanya Turner is absent from the series for a good few episodes, there is still plenty of joy to be had here. We had a sneaky peek at tonight's episode, and we can promise that it's worth 90 minutes of your time. Far better than spending those 90 minutes actually watching a football match, that's for sure. There are far more gratuitous nudey shots, for a start.
The first few minutes are decidedly frisky with the exposition, but since they have to account for the people who didn't catch FOOTBALLERS' WIVES: EXTRA TIME, we reckon we can let them off. As you must know by now, dishy captain Conrad is no longer with us, having been accidentally shot by crazy Bruno at the end of last series. Amber, as you might expect, is none too pleased about her husband's death, and suspects that the whole story has not been told. While not quite reaching Tanya's heights of malevolent scheming, Amber acquits herself extremely well all the same: our particular favourite parts were the world's most inept game of hide-and-seek, her prayers to Conrad's spirit to invade her body (dirty!) and her little Desperate Housewives moment at the end of the episode. We won't spoil it by telling you what she does, but you'll know what we mean when you see it.
Meanwhile, there are of course new players on the team. Star player Tremaine Gidigbi joins Sparks and brings along his supermodel girlfriend Liberty (who we think is American, but we could be wrong because it's quite hard to place her accent), and starts off what we suspect could be a very interesting plot of racial tension between Tremaine and Bruno.. There's a plot twist involving these two that we called within about ten minutes, but it's still plenty of fun to watch it play out. Continuing the Footballers' Wives grand tradition of enormously tacky weddings, Bruno and Lucy reaffirm their vows Pride and Prejudice-style. Again, watch out for Tremaine and Liberty's scene-stealing appearance at the wedding. Shannon floats around (it would be hard not to, carrying all that silicone) somewhat bereft now that Harley's gone to Madrid, but seems to be setting her sights on someone new. There's a bit of misfortune in line for her new chap, though, so it doesn't look like Shannon's luck will be changing for the better any time soon.
We can't deny it's missing a certain something with Tanya out of the picture, but it's still tremendously campy fun and we enjoyed it immensely. Long may it reign.
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