Friday, August 26, 2005
Have you heard the news? HAVE YOU? Yes, the Queen of lowculture, Heather Locklear, has finally broken free of the confines of the small screen, and is looming large in cinemas up and down the UK even as you read this.
In any other circumstances, this would be a cause for great rejoicing. But, if you've ever wondered if there were any depths which even we would not plumb in our search for the lowest common denominator, wonder no more. It is our sad duty to pronounce THE PERFECT MAN the worst film in the history of the entire world – including BC. And we don't mean worst in the Grease 2 sense of the world. This film is such a proper turkey that team lowculture left the cinema fully expecting to see snow lying on the ground, reindeer flying through the sky and harrassed men panic-buying in Argos.
The rather unlikely premise of the film is that Heather Locklear cannot get a date. It is left to Hilary Duff, playing her daughter, to concoct a ridiculous and vaguely sinister plot to convince her she has a secret admirer by sending flowers and chatting her up on MSN.
It's presumably supposed to be some sort of a comedy, but the only laughs we heard during the whole sorry affair were snorts of derision at each unlikely and increasingly-creepy plot development. And the first scene features Heather Locklear baking a cake, which is just a fucking disgrace whichever way you look at it.
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Seriously - there were so many fucked-up relationships in that film, I felt slightly violated.
Although the wedding interruption scene was a brief glimpse of invention. Shame the rest of the film couldn't have been that good.