(function() { (function(){function b(g){this.t={};this.tick=function(h,m,f){var n=f!=void 0?f:(new Date).getTime();this.t[h]=[n,m];if(f==void 0)try{window.console.timeStamp("CSI/"+h)}catch(q){}};this.getStartTickTime=function(){return this.t.start[0]};this.tick("start",null,g)}var a;if(window.performance)var e=(a=window.performance.timing)&&a.responseStart;var p=e>0?new b(e):new b;window.jstiming={Timer:b,load:p};if(a){var c=a.navigationStart;c>0&&e>=c&&(window.jstiming.srt=e-c)}if(a){var d=window.jstiming.load; c>0&&e>=c&&(d.tick("_wtsrt",void 0,c),d.tick("wtsrt_","_wtsrt",e),d.tick("tbsd_","wtsrt_"))}try{a=null,window.chrome&&window.chrome.csi&&(a=Math.floor(window.chrome.csi().pageT),d&&c>0&&(d.tick("_tbnd",void 0,window.chrome.csi().startE),d.tick("tbnd_","_tbnd",c))),a==null&&window.gtbExternal&&(a=window.gtbExternal.pageT()),a==null&&window.external&&(a=window.external.pageT,d&&c>0&&(d.tick("_tbnd",void 0,window.external.startE),d.tick("tbnd_","_tbnd",c))),a&&(window.jstiming.pt=a)}catch(g){}})();window.tickAboveFold=function(b){var a=0;if(b.offsetParent){do a+=b.offsetTop;while(b=b.offsetParent)}b=a;b<=750&&window.jstiming.load.tick("aft")};var k=!1;function l(){k||(k=!0,window.jstiming.load.tick("firstScrollTime"))}window.addEventListener?window.addEventListener("scroll",l,!1):window.attachEvent("onscroll",l); })(); lowculture: Who will it be?


Monday, August 22, 2005

Who will it be?

FINAL! America's Next Top Model, Living TV, 9.00pm
We've found ourselves wondering recently exactly what to make of the title of this show. Did the previous winners really go on to become Top Models? (Our survey says: ehh-urrrrrrr) If not, is it not a bit of a misnomer to call it that? Why not call it "America's Next Winner Of A Reality TV Show (This One's About Modelling, By The Way)". Less catchy, sure, but far more accurate. And what happens after you're America's Next Top Model? Are you then America's Current Top Model? America's Top Model? America's Top Model Du Jour? What happens when they have another series and someone else wins? Does that make you America's Last Top Model? America's Next Also-ran? America's Next Washed Up Not So Much Has-Been As Never-Was? Anybody seen Eva Pigford recently? Or Yoanna House? We won't mention the name of the cycle one winner, as that's currently airing every weeknight at 6.05pm and doubtless there are people who don't wish to be spoiled, even though the majority of us already know the winner. Anyway, enough of the introspection, this is the final of America's Next Top Model cycle four, and we're down to the disappointingly unmemorable final three of Keenyah, Kahlen and Naima. Keenyah resolutely believes that she is America's Next Top Model, but she eats too much and is kind of a bitch. Kahlen is lacking in self-confidence and is unimpressive in person, but has taken some awesome pictures. Naima is beautiful and probably has the best portfolio of the lot, but is quiet and reserved in person, and may not have the va-va-voom that a Top Model needs to have. It promises to be a nail-biting finish, and I believe we're promised another fashion show with a runway-to-the-death segment to determine the winner, but it just lacks something compared to previous cycles. Maybe it's just that non of these girls really seem like they ought to be top models, or maybe it's just that they're not the characters that we're used to. We've seen Brandy (and Brandy's Attitude) eliminated, along with BeerWeave Tiffany, Manly Michelle, Boozy Brittany and everyone else who was interesting (and some boring ones, we'll admit - Noelle, anyone?) We're surprised to be saying this, but it really doesn't compare to last year's final three: legally blind Amanda (did she mention she was blind, by the way? We're sure she mentioned it once, in passing, but you might have missed it), Fucking Yaya and Miss Eva the Diva. Also kids, make your most of Janice Dickinson in this episode, as she's been fired and won't be back for cycle five. Neither will Nolé Marin, but let's not pretend we care about him.
EDIT: Shock! Horror! We were misled by the Radio Times, and tonight's episode is actually a filler episode recapping the series so far. Boo! But: yay! Because this allows us to get reacquainted with all the mad bitches we were bemoaning the loss of earlier! So wave hello one final time to Brandy and her scary 'fro, threatening to knock toothless Tatiana upside the head, Michelle and her Amazing Exploding Face, Tiffany and her weave that no longer has beer poured in it (and we'll drop dead of shock if this recap does not include Tyra's now infamous "Be quiet, Tiffany. Be quiet! What is wrong with you? STOP IT!!!!" rant), adorable Lluvy and The Worst Picture In The History Of America's Next Top Model. It's not new, but it's good. And we're totally just going to repeat everything we said above for next week's preview instead, because recycling is good for the environment.

By Steve :: Post link :: ::  
4 pop-up comments :: Discuss on messageboard

4 Comments:

It's not gonna be the final tonight, though. We haven't had the space filling "recap" show yet...

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:17 pm  

Indeed. We were misled by our source. We'll be editing this in just a sec.

By Blogger Steve, at 7:01 pm  

'Fucking Yaya'

Such a perfect description. God that girl pissed me off. But then Keenyah is basically just a poor man's Yaya, isn't she? All excited about seeing Nelson Mandela's cell, then asking if he's still alive. Classic.

My favourite ANTM moment (aside from Tiffany's grandma's reaction to the 'Michelle has a flesh-eating virus and we're all going to die' thing) was when they had to read from an autocue for the judges and had absolutely no clue how to pronounce designers names (not to mention the word 'magenta'). Yoanna would have got every single one right.

That was a long comment, wasn't it. Sorry!

By Blogger Gemma, at 7:22 pm  

Janice is going?!

Pah!

There goes one of the three top reasons for watching ANTM (the remaining two being rather ahem obvious parts of Tyra's anatomy).

Damn and blast!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:35 am  

Post a Comment

Tiny things for you to watch:

* To open in a
new window,
click anywhere
EXCEPT the icon.

messageboard

Your views from our forums. Click on the quote to join the discussion.




About Us

According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

GET IN TOUCH:
Click here to email.

Previously

School's in :: Oops!...We did it again :: Get the naughty corner ready :: Someday we will understand her :: And the winner is...? :: ...but who wants to live in an institution? :: Big fat belly laughs? :: Desert island risks :: Queer today, gone tomorrow :: Let's face the judges and bitch ::

Trawl our archives!

La Vida Lowculture

Thanks for visiting. Please come again!
All text © lowculture 2003-2007
Powered by Blogger. We also recommend Popjustice, Outpost Gallifrey, Digital Spy and thecustard.tv. Hooray!