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Tin roof, rusted

Poor, poor Paul Danan. The CELEBRITY LOVE ISLAND muppet thought he was on his Nat King after being voted into the love shack with Lady Isabella Hervey.
She's the youngest daughter of the 6th Marquis of Bristol. He's a slippery little oik who used to be in Hollyoaks. A match made in heaven? Paul certainly thought so, as he tried to irritate his way into his posh companion's favour by generally behaving like a complete prick.
Happily, it wasn't long at all before Paul was shouting "oh my God, oh my God, oh my God" over and over again. Such was his excitement that we briefly thought he was in the throes of orgasm. Sadly, Lady Muck hadn't let him within spunking distance – he was just getting in a flap about some passing dolphins.
Shame.
Elsewhere on the island, Judi Shekoni was conspicuous by her non-appearance on our screens. So nothing unusual there. In fact, none of the other participants did much of anything. Rebecca Loos and Abi Titmuss did a bit of half-hearted bonding and talked about their tits a lot, but that's about as thrilling as it got.
The biggest surprise of all was saved for the end credits, which revealed that Kelly Brook is not only presiding over this whole gloriously tawdry exercise as a presenter – she's also a Consultant Producer. What, exactly, are they consulting her about? Which factor of sun cream to use?

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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